In Back at Sundarijal >3, BP Koirala in his fourth day in Sundarijal Jail was trying to get over his depression, loneliness and his remorse at not saying proper farewell to his wife, Sushila. In this instalment, BP tries to come to grips with his loneliness, and ruminates on what defines courage in a person. Every fortnight in this space, Nepali Times brings readers instalments from the unpublished diary of BP Koirala written in English that covers the period immediately following his return to Nepal from exile in India in 1977. The diary is available on microfilm at the Madan Puraskar Library in Patan and was donated by senior advocate Ganesh Raj Sharma.
5th January, 1977
My mind is a little composed today, the turbulence in my heart is subsiding. It perhaps takes between three and five days for even the most agonising crisis to level off. On the first day the impact is too sudden and stunning for experience. The second, third and fourth are the critical periods. In 1949 when I was on a long hunger strike, the real agony began on the second day which continued for three more days. Thereafter, the crisis stabilised. It ceases like a physical pain, it became psychological and ultimately moral.
Anyway I am today mentally more composed. After a few more days, I hope to be sufficiently composed to be able to do serious studies and writing. That may ultimately be my solace in the present crisis.
How do I characterise the present disturbed and restless state of my mind, this agitation this emotional softness, choking lachrymation [sic]. Is it weakness of character, is it lack of courage? What is courage? Are tears foreign to a courageous man? Sentiments and emotions-are they incompatible with courage? Such questions have occurred whenever I have been in a serious crisis. I haven't succumbed, I have not yielded to external challenges or forces, but deep inside me, I have always trembled with apprehension. What is this? Perhaps courage is moral, it is akin to stubbornness born out of either some conviction or sense of honour. If I suffer, weep, agonised, disturbed and distressed-these are emotional reactions to crisis. It is a matter of the heart. Courage arises when we can't escape. The present crisis is made by my decision. I adhere to my decision, come what may.
I remember Shailaja constantly. GM [Ganesh Man Singh] also talks about her. She is extremely temperamental and excitable, given to either depression and moods, or worship activities. GM thinks she is lazy but she isn't lazy. What appears to be laziness is the moods of depression she has fallen into. She is an adorable woman. I will have occasions to write about her by and by as time passes and as she flashes into my vacant mind.
GM tells us that ours is a remarkable family-which has honed the art of living. Sushila is a most gracious lady. "Where else can you find such gathering of people who know how to live?" GM says. In order to compose my mind I want to do such work as would not require mental effort. I counted the number of steps that completes the circle of my week. It takes 200 steps to complete one circle of walk around the compound. In terms of time it takes one minute and 40 seconds to complete it. At the rate of two steps per second. I also started study of the Chambers dictionary.
6th January, 1977
Got up at 4:30AM. Wanted to do some concentration as per yoga. I found that even for yogic practice, you have to train basic-modicum of-peace of mind even as a learner. It is not that you can learn or practice it whatever be the state of your mind. For an adept, perhaps, he can restore peace of mind at will. Yoga is therefore not a matter of practice, not anybody can be a yogi. First of all he must be born with proper aptitude and circumstances of your life must also be conducive or at least unhindered.
Sometimes I become frustrated and term yoga as a useless practice, at least it is redundant like god in actual life. Like god, it is not available to one who needs it most and is redundant to one who doesn't need it. A happy man doesn't need god, and an unhappy man doesn't get it. Yoga is also like that. You can't practice unless you have peace of mind, and if you have peace of mind you don't so need it. In the morning after tea and exercise, I touch my forehead to the locket which contains a lock of my mother's hair, look fondly at the small photo of Sushila, eat bits of prasad of Kali (Calcutta) and Golden Temple (Amritsar) given to me by Kamal and Nanu respectively, and closed eyes try to visualise Shailaja at the point in the forehead where both eyes meet the root of the nose. This is all superstition, spiritualism, sentimentalism, love and hope combined-no element in it is fake or forced, each genuine and intense.
At about 1PM, Mangalaji [Ganesh Man's wife] came at the gate. We heard her voice across the closed gate and saw her through a small chink in the gate. She wasn't permitted to see us. She had brought chicken tandoori and naan which were brought inside in the evening for our dinner. I tried to discern the expression on Mangalaji's face-from such a long distance I could only see her bland face, which shone in the sun, indicating that she was in good health, but I couldn't read any message for us. GM said that her voice didn't sound sad, or distressed, or anxious. Then everything was all right.
To be kept in strict isolation without any communication with the outside world is what is extremely oppressive. GM feels that it indicates that the king would meet us before he makes up his mind.
We have converted the room adjacent to GM's bedroom into the dining room. GM has a cluster of three rooms at his disposal and the bathroom. I have two rooms for myself and a bathroom. I got shaving materials and writing paper from the market which cost us Rs 30. I shall send laundry clothes home for washing.
