In response to a specific request from the state law and order restoration council and in the interest of responsible journalism, we are pleased to announce that this week's column will not go into any detailed analysis of bodily functions. In the national interest, it will also not make any gratuitous reference to the posterior region of a higher mammal, the name of which rhymes with the word "farce". And in view of the fact that many concerned parents may be reading this in the presence of minors, we will refrain from revealing any more bank balances of members of the partyless cabinet. And, finally, since many of you may be having breakfast even as we speak, all mention of under-the-table deals involving the purchase of weapons of mass desperation will hereinafter be expunged.

Having said that, we can now move right along to the rest of the news:
Nepali women to go on hunger strike
KATHMANDU (RSS) - The All-Women's Federation of Nepal (Reactionary) has defied the re-imposition of the state of national urgency to declare a nationwide hunger strike on Monday on the occasion of Teej to demand a ten percent service charge for household work and higher overtime pay.

The organisation has announced a series of escalating protests in the run-up to the strike, which includes wearing red saris and black armbands in the kitchen starting Friday, spiking hubby boy's morning bed tea with a strong diuretic on Saturday morning, and a menacing forward deployment of pressure cookers into the conjugal bedroom on Sunday night.

"That should do the trick," chairperson of the Hunger Strike Preparatory Committee told journos in the capital today. "We hope the menfolk take heed of the warning and agree to henceforth wash their own underwear."

But a spokesman for the Department of Livestock and Animal Husbandry said there could be no negotiations until AWFON(R) agreed to an unconditional ceasefire, and issued a counter-threat: "If they won't do our undies, we'll refuse to wear them."

Expats glad Nepal still exists
By a Staff Reporter
KATHMANDU - After being away for most of the summer, Nepal-based expatriates have started flocking back to their hardship posts, and say they can't wait for their Christmas breaks.

On returning from their annual migration, expats told waiting newspersons at the airport that they were pleasantly surprised to find that Nepal still exists. "It's quite a relief," said a visibly astonished Astrid Hintergrundsprachen as she alighted from her plane after a two-month vacation. "But do you think it's safe to drive to Jawalakhel?"

Another returnee, Bo Gunnarson, told CNN he was mentally prepared for the worst, but the fact that La' Soon had re-opened meant things were getting back to normalcy. "For a moment there, we were quite worried," Gunnarson added. "Let's hope the country doesn't totally vanish before our next posting."