Nepali Times
"As long as I can write, there will be no maddening depression."

It seems to help, except when he realises that he can't write the history of the Nepali Congress on toilet paper because it blots. And he is using the inch-wide margins of old newspapers to write the words to soothe his nerves.

11 February, 1977

Sundarijal: Didn't get sleep last night. Had very disturbed sleep till 1:30 am. Thereafter didn't have a wink of sleep. Got up to read, but couldn't. The worst part of lack of sleep is that it promotes anxiety, which starts some kind of a chain reaction. I am anxious that I may develop insomnia. I have seen the misery of people suffering from insomnia. Bunu in 1951. Inside prison, the anxiety becomes some kind of a panic. I was in panic the whole night. It was only at 4:30 am when GM came with tea and he told me a story in reference to my anxious state how unhealthy imagination leads one from one anxiety to another till he becomes mad for nothing. The story is very telling and it did help me restore my equilibrium to some extent. I wouldn't worry if I could get sleeping pills and some medicines for soothing the tension. But doctors are not available. In the morning I did not do my daily round of pranayam, etc. But by breakfast time I was almost normal. GM says that I mustn't in any case ask for medicines for sleep or for the soothing of nerves because they will start thinking that the jail has demoralised me.

During breakfast time, the captain presented me with a copy of the account for expenses incurred for our food during the month Magh which is coming to a close today. Tomorrow perhaps a new major will take charge. Our total allowance for the month was Rs 812 (NC) out of which they spent Rs 712, the balance Rs 100 was handed to us. We are again intrigued as why they have to give a full account in writing properly signed both by the major and the captain and give us in cash the balance of the allowance not spent. This is not done and was never done. Perhaps the intention is to show us that the allowance is liberal and also to indicate that all our needs other than food, like soap, paste, toilet articles (perhaps cigar or cigarettes too, now perhaps they will permit me to get cigars), zarda, etc can be met by the money left over from the expenses on food. Everything here is intriguing, we are left to do the guessing as to what their intentions are. They are not frank. Yesterday the major indicated that the non-supply of writing paper was due to a misunderstanding. Today the captain says that the matter has been referred to above. Obviously the major was not speaking the truth.

I am in a better mood today, after lunch. Immediately after lunch I felt depressed as usual. After lunch hour is too difficult for me to spend. I tried to get some sleep without success, then all of a sudden I felt that I should starting writing the history of the Nepali Congress which has not received deserved attention by writers. If I don't do it, who else will? Then I got up and started writing-I wrote about 1,000 words. Since I have very little paper to write on I have started cutting the margins of newspaper that are supplied to us-long strips of over an inch width. History of Nepali Congress is being written on these long strips of paper. I have tried improvising in toilet paper a roll of which has been supplied in my bathroom. I have brought the roll to my room and have kept it safely in the cupboard as a very precious material. The toilet paper is very thin and will not be suitable for writing. So a dot pen will help here. As long as I can keep myself engaged in writing there will be no onslaught of maddening depression, and as long as I am psychologically all right improvisations can be thought of to carry the burden of jail life without much tension and worry. The idea that I have to write a history of the NC promoted the thought that I have my biography to write. I intend to write a novel on the Revolution of 1950-51. All these will be of 900 pages-300 each. Then I will write articles and small political discussions on theory and practice of politics with particular reference to Nepal. One year's job, if not longer.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)