India retaliates by declassifying its tapes

A week after recently declassified White House tapes revealed what President Richard Nixon and Secretary of State Henry Kissinger actually thought of Indira Gandhi (pronounced "Gand-eye") India has struck back by releasing its own recordings of conversations at 1, Race Course Road between Prime Minister Indira Gandhi and her Minister for External Affairs, Swaran Singh in 1971.

[Viewers are warned that the following portion of this news bulletin contains foul language and disturbing innuendos of unseemly behaviour by people we have come to regard as statesmen and should not be watched in the company of elderly family members with bad hearts. None of the protagonists in the following dialogue nor the publisher of this paper is responsible for any convulsions of the cardiovascular or gastric system of the reader as a result of this column.]

Prime Minister Indira Gandhi: Woh g#@$% phatta Kissinger hai na, unko Bharat mein aana ko forever ban karna padega.
Minister of External Affairs Swaran Singh: Kyun? Kuch kaha?
PMIG: Kaha, nahin, kiya! Naam bhi Kissinger hai, aur kaam bhi kissing-wissing karta rehta hai.
MEASS: Kissing toh kabhi kabhi exciting hota hai na?
PMIG: Dhut, buddhoo! Woh behn*$#@! ne plane se niche aane ke bad humko jhatpat kiss kiya.
MEASS: Arrey, prime ministerji, pyar kiya toh darna kya?
PMIG: Chii! Chii! Chii!
MEASS: You're right madam. Yeh toh serious baat hai, America se diplomatic relations tod doon? Atom bomb test kar doon?
PMIG: Nahin, Kissinger ko Morarji Bhai se mulakat karado, aur dono Morarji ka wo favourite drink hai na, pila pila wala, milkar piyenge.
MEASS: Ha! Ha! Ha! Great idea Kissinger ka g#$% phatjayega. Achhe baat. (Rubs hands. Exit.)

Astrologers sue NASA

The All-Nepal Federation of Independent Astrologers (Democratic) has decided to sue NASA for smashing its space probe into Comet Tempel 1 and thereby "ruining the natural balance of forces in the universe".
At an emergency meeting, ANFIA-D decided to take the matter up at the International Court of Justice in the Hague. A spokesman said: "Such tampering with heavenly bodies can send all our calculations haywire."
When contacted, NASA had no comment on the proposed law suit since the space agency had its hands full with a crisis of astronomical proportions. The probe's collision had thrown the comet off course and it is now headed straight for Planet Earth. Said one space scientist in Houston: "Ooops."

And now for some sports news:

Photo-finish at 2012 Olympics Marathon

The Olympics marathon has just got into its final lap with the runners now entering the stadium here in Singapore.
British sprinter Toni Blair is in the inside lane and he seems to have got second wind as he tears down the track overtaking Hilary Clinton from the United States who is now lagging behind with Queen Sophia of Spain. And far behind is the Mayor of Moscow who has had a bad hair day and has stopped to take a swig of Stolichnaya from the refreshment table and poured it over his head.

But wait.here is Jacques Chirac of France gaining on Toni.the two are neck-to-neck.hang on.both are slowing down, they're chatting to each other, yes ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe my eyes, Toni and Jacques seem to be having an argument.they're jogging in leisurely fashion towards the final ribbon and gesticulating wildly, and now they have knocked each other unconscious as they fall over the finishing line. What a race! What a finish! Unprecedented in the 2,000 year history of the Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. And now back to your regular programming.