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BP is in a somewhat better frame of mind. A visit from the doctor proves reassuring, and BP is pleased to learn that he can order writing paper from the market at his own expense. In writing about his everyday life, the jailed leader notes that he is loath to unpack all his belongings and spread out. Not doing so makes his jail stay feel temporary.

12 February
Sundarijal: I am in a normal mood. The fact is that Dr Basnet came. So the medical attention is being given to us. I was pretty worried on that score. He has prescribed some medicines for my stomach trouble. Furamide compound which I generally take contained chloroquin which was a depressant which in my present low pressure should be avoided. He has prescribed valium. He knows that I have low BP for which he has prescribed some stimulant tonic. A new major took over today. We were informed that we could get writing paper from the market at our expense. A very happy information. I had started writing on waste paper collected from old newspapers. If I could do 4 hours writing every day I can pass the time with less mental agony. Writing does help soothe the nerves perhaps. There is no household work to do and writing does not take more than an hour-and that too not every day. There are not books with us to interest me. But writing interests me. I can write for long hours without fatigue-whether the written product is good or not is immaterial as long as the act of writing keeps me engaged. I am thinking of writing a book on science for Manisha, my ideas will be based on the book "We are not alone".

GM has been advised by the doctor to cut down on the intake of tea of which he took 6 full glasses every day-no tomato, no onion, no meat, no many other things. He has to take a lot of salad. Dr Basnet will have to take care of my heart in view of persistent low pressure and has advised me against taking butter, cheese is all right but no fat. At my age, I should not take anything that raises cholesterol in my blood, etc.

In the morning as we were waiting for breakfast to arrive we discussed politics. GM is fully convinced our decision to return to Nepal was most timely. He bases his [indecipherable] turn of Nepal's politics on grounds that I need to advance in India to convince friends and comrades that it was time that we returned to Nepal. In India he was not so convinced of my argument. He now seems to be more unshakeably convinced, whereas I the instigator of the idea sometimes develop doubts about the validity of the direction. Not that I doubt my point of view analysis, but at times I am with doubts.

Did not feel inclined to go through the unenjoyable tasks of daily duties-did a little bit of writing but couldn't carry on for any length of time. Re-arranged the room-i.e. put the writing desk on the other side of my bed stead, changed the position of the reading lamp, took out some clothes from the stuffed duffel bag and put some others in it. It is a job to take out things from the d-bag because it is so jampacked. I keep only such articles of daily use which are needed daily outside-other things are usually kept in the bag or the suitcase. Therefore my room is very bare. I can leave the place within 5 minutes of notice. My one foot is, so to say, outside the jail gates.

13 Feburary
Sundarijal. I am in good mood today. Medicines to correct my digestive disorders are proving effective. My psychological trouble sometimes emanates to a great extent from my digestive troubles, which because they are chronic and can cause me great physical discomfort don't receive the blame for my psychological distress. Unconsciously, they affect my psychology and promote insidiously a tendency of despair and melancholy mood-blues, as they say. After a day of administration of medicine I am feeling much better.

Today we didn't get our daily papers. No explanation except that the bus didn't come to Sundarijal. I am inclined to put interpretation on this. GM accepts that explanation at its face value.

I have started writing. My writings are not of good standard, but I think I should continue writing however insufficient its quality is. When I will be more organised I will improve it, or if the manuscript can be taken outside then Shailaja may edit it and improve my language. I began writing to occupy my idle hours here, hence the primary consideration is not the quality of the language or the originality of the ideas. That can be taken care of later in a more propitious time and neutral state. I wrote about 2,000 words. If I can continue this rate then by the end of February I will have written 30,000 words. A creditable performance purely from the point of quantity. Don't talk of quality at this state. Don't you see the quality of my language in these pages?

Since imprisonment I have been taking two glasses of milk every day-one glass at breakfast and another glass after dinner. It doesn't suit me obviously because I get stomach trouble. From today I have started cutting down on the quantity of milk that I take to see if it improves my digestion. I take a half a cup of curd. I think I should take more curd. We are trying to prepare curd at home. Since it is still very cold, milk doesn't curdle easily. So provide continuous heat we are placing the curdling pot before the room heater. If we succeed then we will start taking more curd than milk. We take suficient quanitity of cheese there is no sense in increasing its intake. Hence we have to fall back upon the increased quantity of curd.

Today I am informed that zarda can be got inside the jail, because tobacco is in the category of articles forbidden inside it being a "madak padartha". A new tension, I have some zarda left which may last me about a month. We will see what happens when it is finished. Remembered Sushila with love-deep love-profoundly, superstitiously, spontaneously, supplicatingly, eagerly, desperately- acutely.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)