Not everything happening around the world these days gets into the national press because of the pressure of events back home. Yet, as messengers of tidings, we would be seriously amiss in our duty if we didn't bring them to your notice without fear or favour. It has therefore fallen upon yours truly, viz: this scribe, to once more present below another brand new episode of our regular column, 'Noose in Brief'. God sues Panos
BY OUR HEAVENLY CORRESPONDENT
The announcement that the first human clone may soon be born at an undisclosed location somewhere over the Western sector has been greeted with shock in Heaven, where God has announced he/she will sue Dr Panos Zavos for copyright infringement.
The American doctor announced last week that he had removed the DNA from a raw human egg and replaced it with the DNA of a cell from a man's ear lobe and planted it (egg, not ear lobe) into the embryo of the mother wherein it is reported to be in critical but stable condition.
"Human beings are my design and I have the patent on them," God told a packed news conference at the Paradise Hotel Tuesday. "How dare this Panos fellow play me?"
God admitted his/her creation was still far from perfect, but human beings were a work in progress and he/she was working on an improved state-of-the-art model. "This guy stole my design and thinks he can get away with it," the visibly agitated Almighty said. "Doesn't he know that I had declared stealing to be a sin in the Fourth Commandment to the Constitution?"
Meanwhile in the tiny Himalayan landlocked kingdom of Nepal, the news of the breakthrough in human cloning was greeted with jubilation, and policy-makers went into an emergency meeting of the cabinet. Sources on Earth told us they were finalising a detailed plan to visit Singapore next week to extract a small bit of Lee Kuan Yew's ear lobe so that the DNA therein can be incorporated into a clone of the senior Singaporean statesman.
"It's a very simple procedure, and we don't think he will mind donating it to us for our cloning lab," said the head of the government's Cloning Our New Leader Task Force. "After all, for how many years have we been saying Nepal needs a Lee Kuan Yew. Well, now it's possible."
Body armour now mandatory
BY A KATHMANDU TRAFFICKER
Pedestrians, bicyclists and other commuters on Kathmandu roads will henceforth have to wear protective body armour while going about their business, a police told us today after making us promise we wouldn't tell anyone.
The move follows a directive from the Ministry of Interior Design last week allowing all traffic policemen to bear arms. The directive did not specify what kind of traffic violation would warrant an officer on duty to open fire on transgressors, however it is reliably learnt that jay walkers, roadside vendors and motorcycles that overtake from the left will be shot on sight.
In order to protect innocent bystanders, the authorities are therefore ready to announce the rule making it mandatory for all pedestrians to wear teflon body armour, for all cars to have bulletproof windshields and all motorcyclists to wear rear-mounted machine guns to return fire.
