As a part of the government's laudable efforts to help the media industry become more self-reliant, self-important, self-righteous and self-censored, the allocation of government advertisements to various private publications will henceforth be resumed on a case-by-case basis. Which means journos willing to sell their souls will be eligible for compensation with a case of cash each.
The news has sent waves of jubilation through the Nepali media universe which had been feeling the pinch because monthly payoffs from the ministry were cut due to budgetary constraints.
Within hours of the announcement, there was already a long queue at the Ministry of Information of eager editors willing to print handouts in exchange for handouts.
Now, unlike some of our peers we are not the type to take the money and run. Our journalistic code of ethics means we are true to our salt and committed to tow the party line once adequately compensated.
We intend to keep our end of the bargain and print any official announcement, press release or notice without fear or favour. And that brings us to our commercial break with today's installment of government ads. Stay tuned and don't go away or else your license will be revoked.
MISSING
Several hard disks from the mainframe servers of the Treasury Department of the Rastriya Banijya Bank have gone missing. The disks contain extremely sensitive top secret data on high-profile willful defaulters and could undermine national security if they fall into the wrong hands. Anyone finding the missing hard disks should keep it. They shouldn't tell anyone about it, least of all, us. They should get hold of a heavy-duty sledge hammer and with a few deft strokes batter the disks into smithereens since they are the only proof we have on the non-paying asses.
His Majesty's Government
Ministry of Hard Knocks and Floppies
Lost and Found Department
PLAY GOLF, MAKE FRIENDS
The Royal Nepal Golf Diplomacy Club, an HMG Undertaking, announces a drive to enlist new members from the Kathmandu diplomatic corps, loyal members of the drooling elite, sections of the military industrial complex and other interested parties. Whether one plays golf or not, the message is the same: to exploit bonds and forge personal links with leading decision makers in the country and let them score birdies. Slogan: 'Restore Democracy after 18 Holes'.
INTERNATIONAL TENDER TO CLIMB MT EVEREST
In an effort to boost revenue, His Majesty's Government has decided to auction climbing permits for Mt Everest through international bidding. Sealed tenders are invited from interested expeditions desirous of breaking records on the world's highest mountain for the Autumn Season 2005. Applications should list the activities they wish to undertake while on top and how much extra they are willing to pay for it. Tick one: Land Hot Air Balloon on Summit, Rollerblade To Base Camp, Blast Off into Outer Space on Personal Rocket from Summit Launchpad, Open Scenic Momo Shop and Cutlet Outlet. Send tender document with earnest money in envelope and slip it under the table at Ministry of Tourism and Fatalism, Exhibitionist Road by 15 July. HMG reserves the right to accept in part or reject earnest money if it is not earnest enough without assigning any reason whatsoever. So there.
FAST TRACK AT SHITALL NIBAS
Keeping in mind the frequency at which Kathmandu-based ambassadors are being angrily summoned to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs so it can express its displeasure about interference in Nepal's internal affairs and to control the rush of diplomats being reprimanded, the ministry has opened a fast-track one-window clearance for all future cases in which the government takes a dim view of objectionable ambassadorial pronouncements. The fully-automated kiosk will have voice-recognition digital software where plenipotentiaries and emissaries can record their answers to the government's question as to why their statements should not be construed as violations of the Vienna Convention and not in keeping with diplomatic niceties. For further information about these new facilities visit our website: www.hmg/shitall/gov.np
