21.11.77 Wrote letters to Chetana + Shailaja-small letters more like notes than letters. Feeling better. GM seems to be suffering from a sense of futility-almost of frustration. He doesn't seem to share my optimism. His analysis of the situation is different from mine, and about this very objective and the purpose of our return to Nepal from India he seems to be more unclear. In his heart of hearts, he feels that the decision to return a second time has been a mistake in view of the change in the political scene in India after the Janata party came into power. He reserves all his wrath for India for not helping in the seven years that we were in exile in India. It had been a total waste, because India-Indira Gandhi-didn't help us, etc etc. I tell him that the situation is very much in our favour, and that we have to stand on our own legs, that our activities during over 8 years exile have contributed not only to our survival but also the building of our image as an alternative power to the present king's power-where would we have been if we hadn't carried on those activities-where are the others now? We are the only force, outside the establishment, which counts. Politics of opposition is considered successful if the opposition remains relevant and is treated with respect. If you are not relevant even if you are in power, you are lost, sooner or later. I feel that the King's politics is gradually ceasing to be relevant. This is why I have a feeling of optimism even tho I am in prison + don't know what would be my fate. In a sense, I don't guide the situation in personal terms. I may even die in prison, but my death will not have been in vain because the acute relevance of our politics. I tell GM that it was a stroke of good luck that India didn't help us, because the favourable turn of the situation or our relevance would then have been attributed to India's help. Now we are on our own-a force to be reckoned with in our own right. The fact that I returned to Nepal second time voluntarily (when Janata govt is in power in Delhi) is my declaration of faith in our future and also of independence from India. I therefore don't agree with GM's statement that Indira Gandhi made it impossible for us to remain in India. We could have stayed in India in spite of Mrs Gandhi if we had felt that our cause would have benefited thereby-and at heart I had the opportunity to stay away from Nepal this time when our friends are in power in India and I didn't.
22.11.77
Shailaja told me once, after going through my old diaries that I had always been obsessed with the thought of being old, of my time being over, of death.
9.12.77
Received a parcel of books sent by Chandra Shekhar and others. A kashmiri shawl of very good quality and a box of dry fruits from Chandra Shekhar. I am touched by this gesture. Do I deserve all this love and regard from friends + relations for whom I haven't done anything? Against this expression of warmth and love from friends I appear in my own eyes as a old and self-centred person.
12.12.77
Wrote two letters-to Shailaja and Bhimbahadur. What can I write to Shalaja from here-mostly words are inadequate + if sometimes I find words to express my sentiments for her I can't express them in letters from prison. Businesslike letter is worse than no letter at all. She comes to the gate on my interview day and waits for half an hour there.
Jail doctor (Achyut?) came to see me. I am having dysentery for which I want some medicine, but the doctor himself came. The blood in urine examination has recently shown that I am suffering from diabetes not of a serious nature but still calling for some dietic control. Since a few days past I have given up eating rice, sugar, potato. Today the doctor says that I should give up bread also because in the process of its manufacture some sugar is added to the dough along with the baking powder to raise it. I don't know what to eat in that case. About a week ago I had an attack of this dizziness was that I felt that I had been pushed down by a force + when I attempted to sit in the chair, I fell on it propelled by a force rather than slowly sat in it. The doctor thinks it may be the due to the blood pressure which must have gone down suddenly as a result of sun bath which I take in the afternoon for half an hour. He has advised me to report to him urgently if there is such an attack of dizziness again. I think the symptom of diabetes is doing to tensions that the long uncertain detention is producing in me. I also pass very highly obscured urine-yellow. This may also be due to tension. I am by all counts + demonstrably under severe tension-QED. But it is very curious that politically + otherwise also I am very optimistic-as a matter of fact I was never as optimistic as today-but still I suffer from some kind of unknown tension (because purely of physical reasons?) Can physical conditions of adverse + unnatural cause tensions when psychologically contradictory condition obtains? Is not tension eventually a psychological manifestation on the physical plane?
