Nepali Times
Under My Hat
This is not the ten o'clock news


This is Radio Nepal. This is not the ten o\'clock news read by Sarah Yonzon. [Fifteen minutes of various instrumental numbers based on patriotic songs from a bygone era.] Welcome back, now, we will entertain you with the headlines which today is sung to the tune of The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music.

. The Underfinanced Ministry has rejected reports in the anti-national private media that the country is bankrupt. "This is categorically and completely false," the Ministry spokesperson said, "it hasn't happened yet, we are still working on it."

In a pre-budget statement he added that the economy had never been more robust, it was growing at five percent per annum, poverty had been reduced by ten percent points and the Rastra Bank was using airliners to fly out Nepal's dollar reserves to Patna to buy 35 tons of Indian currency in IRs 100 denomination notes. "The problem is just that we can't boast about all these things since they were all achievements of the previous democratic governments," the spokesperson said on condition that we cover his eyes with a black strip. He denied the ministry didn't have money to meet the military's growing demands saying all ploughshares were being converted into swords. "We must look at military spending as an investment with a very high rate of returns," the spokesman added.

. Girija Prasad Koirala returned from New Delhi on Wednesday amidst a tumultous welcome that snarled traffic on the Ring Road for an hour while he waited to be arrested, but no one bothered. A visibly miffed Koirala said he had gone to India for medical reasons to have his head examined, and this also gave him the opportunity to pick the brains of various Indian leaders. "We saw eye-to-eye on almost everything," Koirala said, "they are just as short-sighted as us."

. A pilot for the French aviation company, Eurocopter, is embroiled in controversy over his first-ever solo ascent of the world's highest mountain without Sherpas, without crampons, without muesli and in a heavier-than-air machine. The Ministry of Mountaineering and Profiteering has refused to recognise the feat because the expedition did not pay the $60,000 royalty for Everest expeditions composed of less than six members and did not go through the correct Red Channel at airport customs to declare its chopper.

. The Loyal Commission on Corruption Control has charge-sheeted God for a series of misdemeanours and remanded Him in custody for another week while the prosecution investigates if He broke some of His own Commandments. The list of charges against God include breach of trust for letting the country go to pot despite repeated assurances to the contrary, not answering the peoples' prayers, not keeping proper accounts of cash and kind offered to His representatives at Pashupatinath and for willfully defaulting on the borrowed time that He is on. In a hearing at the LCCC Tuesday, the Holy Ghost argued that He did not recognise the temporal tribunal and besides, as Supreme Omnipresent Being, He enjoyed divine immunity from prosecution. He said he would take it up in person with the IMF Rep. The presiding judge rejected this saying the court's jurisdiction in this case was set by the principles of Supernatural Justice. Whereupon the Almighty threw a tantrum and unleashed a thunderbolt on Harihar Bhaban which was safely absorbed by several lightning rods from the state media. God was later mobbed by reporters outside the LCCC's premises and was asked if He would resign. "That's a thought," He is reported to have said in His infinite wisdom.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)