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After three blank pages with no entries (and no explanation for it), BP fills the empty space with a long write-up on 10 March. He remembers his mother, the dignity and generosity she displayed till the end. BP reads between the lines of news items in Gorkhapatra, and concludes that lobbying in the US, Britain and India would help the cause of democracy in Nepal.

7-8-9 March, 1977
[No entries]

10 March, 1977
Sundarijal
In the morning, the pathological report of my sputum culture was handed over to me. Nothing was detected. Then why this bleeding? I know I am not suffering from any serious illness, but the presence of blood in my sputum which I detect every day in the morning is inexplicable. I am losing weight also, and I feel weak, and my pulse doesn't seem to beat the normal uniformity. Sometimes it misses and sometimes it becomes faint-just for a second or two-and misses just one or two heartbeats. I ascribe all this to my psychological condition. But the manifestation of blood in cough can't be psychological. GM told me this morning that I looked very bright and that I never looked as healthy in the last year at Varanasi. Then he makes a general statement that psychological tensions and anxiety doesn't produce a physical reaction.

I am full of mother's memory today. She was a most noble lady. What gave distinction to her personality was her sense of pride and dignity. She was not a very educated person in the academic sense, but she had seen a lot of things in life, undergone such experiences imparted by the turn of the wheels of fortune-ups and downs and had thus experience life in the raw. This gave authority to her voice. She never said a thing which was trite or not supported by her own experience. Hence she appeared refreshing and original. Her association with father taught her the value of keeping on an adornment of existence-suffering for a cause-and this gave her a dignity which is a rare commodity in man's character. I remember her last illness, before she left for Biratnagar, her tranquility had acquired almost a character of spiritualism. She was least spiritual in the usual sense. But even in her deathbed she was profoundly calm. Even when she vomited a lot of blood and passed more blood in stool, she was profusely perspiring and was about to collapse. She faintly smiled and murmured, "I am so sorry that I have become so helpless, causing you all unnecessary worry." Mother, excuse me for my shortcomings. I know I don't have to pray to you for it. Your unbounded charity and love have automatically pardoned my crimes even before I committed them. You see no more, but I vow this moment in your sacred and loving memory that I will try to be a good person according to your light, a light which you have handed over to me.

Since yesterday we are not being given the Rising Nepal. Is it by design, or inefficiency or mistake? I am inclined to think that two day's papers have been purposely withdrawn because they have contained matters favourable or at least encouraging to our cause. GM thinks that such matters would not be published in the papers in the first place.

Since Gorkhapatra has been given to us which is almost a Nepali version of the Rising Nepal and vice versa, he is inclined to believe that it was a case of inefficiency. Rising Nepal carries comparatively better coverage of international news. If the paper was witheld then we will be totally in the dark about what is happening in the international world. We don't know anything about what is happening in our case at the home front. Yesterday Gorkhapatra published a scathing denunciation of a resolution passed by "a certain Indian party" (the resolution obviously refers to us) by a spokesman of the central committee of the "Gaun Pharka Abhiyan", saying that it was unwarranted interference in the internal affairs of Nepal and that the culprits would not be allowed to go scot free, etc etc. In today's editorial of the G Patra, the same denunciation is made almost in the same language-only that portion is omitted in which the spokesman of the Gaun Pharka has categorically said that we would not be allowed to go scot free. From the editorial we learnt that the Janata party had passed the resolution about us. We are happy that our people have not forgotten us. We don't know the intention of the king. There is no indication that he is ready for a talk-no indication that our grand gesture would be reciprocated. We are being given creature comforts, but are deprived of normal facilities available to prisoners like interviews, correspondence. books and newspapers of our choice. It is psychological torture. In today's paper there is a statement by a government official about detainees saying that there are only 55 in number, out of which about 10 have been taken into custody only recently (that means us) and that they are given normal facilities, including medical. He has mentioned medical facilities but he hasn't said what other facilities are provided to the detainees. It appears there have been comments in foreign press about the condition of imprisonment, hence the necessity of an explanation. What would impress the king is propaganda in the USA and the UK. I don't know what our people are doing about it or if they are in a position to mount a propaganda campaign in those places. Propaganda in India wouldn't be effective although it does serve the purpose of keeping alive the fire of democracy in Nepal.



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