Extracts from a speech delivered by the ex-Minister for Family Planning and Copulation at the Congress of Asian Parliamentarians on Pluralism, Democracy and Sex that was held in Singapore last week.

"Madame Chair, Honorary Desk and Tables, Chief Whips, Respective Academics, Darling Donors, Pretentious Pundits Full of Pompous Platitudes, Hyperventilating Hypocrites, Knee-jerk Liberals, Ladies, Gentlemen, and last but not the least (since we don't want to be speciesists here) Representatives from the Animal Kingdom who may be present, l end me your ears. I shall return them to you intact in a few hours.

We are gathered here today in the Lion City to look at what role, if any, sex plays in the restoration, preservation and growth of democracy around the world. Be it far from me to lecture such veteran politicians as you about the importance of promiscuity and infidelity, since I know that I am among pros. You two back there on row 26, cut it out.

As I was saying, it is significant that this conference is being held here in Singapore, for it proves there indeed is a direct correlation between the frequency of sex and political freedom. In the destiny of our nations, libido and liberty are intertwined. We know from empirical evidence in Swaziland, for instance, that leaders who are self-satisfied and fulfilled are the ones that will go about the task of nation building in a more disciplined and committed manner. On the other hand, we know from the example of our own subcontinent that a population that doesn't find an outlet for manhood will fight for a separate statehood.

It is because repressed citizens are always looking for ways to vent their frustrations that democracy goes through boom and bust cycles. That is why it is imperative for adolescent democracies like ours which are still in bondage, and with our hormones raging, to be attracted by the perverse pleasures of the autocratic position. Multiple-partner democracies with coalition politics are, by definition, messy affairs. Politics makes for strange bedfellows.

Since I notice that most you are now fast asleep, allow me to go off on a tangent. This is neither the time nor place to delve into an extended critique of post-modernism, but I'll do it anyway. The question we have to ask ourselves is: Is post-modernism dead? The answer must lie in unravelling competing paradigms in the present political discourse and intercourse so that we can be clear in our examination of the etymological roots of socially constructed gender roles.

But, as Anthony Giddens points out in 'The Third Way', there may be a light at the end of the tunnel that will take us out of this present period of democraticus interruptus. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that in the post 9/11 unipolar world the sole super power is assuming a missionary position. What, then, is the fate of smaller nations and regional superpowers who can't afford to fool around any longer?

Thank you for your undivided attention, you may now wake up and collect your earlobes as you leave the hall."