BP finds solace in a spiritual-religious analysis of his predicament, and is relieved that he now understands the nature of the obstacles of his "pilgrimage" in jail. Newspapers are finally delivered. BP and Ganesh Man Singh discuss the king's national day speech, and examine the role of Tulsi Giri and Surya Bahadur Thapa. These pages are from BP's diary written in English from his jail cell in Sundarijal. Pages from it are serialised in this space every fortnight.

19 February, 1977
Sundarijal
I am in a very good mood today. Primarily, this mood was induced in me by my realisation that I am engaged in some kind of a great spiritual-religious undertaking, and any undertaking that invites total dedication to the point of death is a spiritual undertaking and that in such work .all kinds of frustrating encounters a man has to face. I am doing the same. My mental weakness that used to assail me, despair that used to grip me, they are all evidence of obstacles to the spiritual progress. Buddhism speaks of the temptations of mara, these assaults of mara are conquered in the mind, or you cannot accomplish any great undertaking. When this realisation dawned upon me yesterday I felt relieved and became normal. Mental torture that this segregated incarnation is inflicting on me which sometimes makes me sink into the darkened depth of despair is a part of the suffering which I must undergo to fulfil the great objective-which is about a spiritual objective-that I have set before me. Now I understand the nature of obstacles to the progress of a pilgrimage which I am set upon.

I washed some clothes and bathed. Didn't massage my body with oil, which has become my practice before bath since I came here. Bathed in plain water under a running tap. I think I am taking a bath today after 4 or 5 days. Sushila will pucker her nose when she hears this. She used to force me to take regular bath and change clothes everyday. Here I do whatever pleases me, but I always remember Sushila. I keep gazing on a photo of her which I have pasted on the cover of this diary. She is so full of life even in this tiny and slightly overexposed photo that her eyes seem to speak to me. Sometimes I think through the play of light, she looks sad, sometimes a little aged, and gloomy, and sometimes a little down, but most of the time she is delicately smiling, just a suspicion of a smile that lights up her whole countenance. Every time I become sentimental to look at the picture and sometimes my eyes moisten with emotion. If only she could know this-know how deeply in love I am. I hope and pray she is all right and is not over-worried on my score.

We again asked the major to tell the people responsible for detaining us here-the major pleads his lack of authority-to arrange for interviews. GM wants to know what happened to his daughter who will have to go to Darjeeling for her studies. The major, as usual, promises to convey our insistence on regular interviews to the higher authorities.

Today the idea of a hunger strike for some basic right of prisoners is agitating my mind. Every time when I am arrested in Nepal I have to fast for a certain right. I fasted for two days during Mohan SS's [Mohan Sumshere Rana] time and for 13 days in Mahendra's time. Perhaps I will have to go on hunger strike in Birendra's time also. I am not in a hurry, but the idea is constantly in my mind today. Since it may be the end of me, I don't want to undertake it light-heartedly. Moveover, I have to finish writing my autobiography and the history of the Nepali Congress. I have started writing the history of the NC. It may take more than a month. It may even take three months. Autobiography may take another two months. Then I have got to write short articles on Nepal's politics. Then I am thinking of writing a novel on the sociopolitical situation as it obtained on the eve of the 1950 revolution and thereafter. Therefore, I am not in a hurry.

20 February
Sundarijal
Today, after a lapse of four days we got the two papers that are supplied to us. We read with interest the king's speech on the occasion of the National Day. He didn't come to Kathmandu from Dhankuta for the occasion, effectively downgrading the importance of the day. The usual practice was that the king took the salute from the military detachments, students, youth and others and reviewed tableaux and floats. Guns would boom in celebration of the day. But this year no such function took place. The king made his statement before a gathering in Dhankuta. His speech appears to be some kind of a reply to our stand-ie, to the statement that I made on arrival here-whose main theme was that nationalism in today's context couldn't be divorced from democracy. The king reiterates this position of ours, but adds that his system is a democratic system. The main point in my statement was that if nationalism can't be sustained without democracy, so also democracy can't be sustained without speedy economic development with socialistic orientation. The king also put emphasis on development without, of course, suggesting that the development should have egalitarian orientation. Giri (PM)'s [Tulsi Giri's] speech on the occasion appeared to be a laboured performance-a little difficult, the language very heavy which is not the character of his language and style. An interesting development seems to be the reference of Surya Bahadur Thapa who is now all out in support of this system and of the leadership of the king. In my considered opinion he was India's agent when he was PM and quite sometime afterwards too. It seems he has changed his loyalty from India to the king. Perhaps he is in the Q-one among many candidates angling for king's favour to replace Giri.

GM thinks that the speech of the king refers to our stand, and is in preparation of the ground for a dialogue with us. I am not so hopeful. GM says that he was not hopeful of the late king's positive response, in the present situation which is not very favourable for the king, he is hopeful of a favourable response from the king. I am not so sure.

Read for some time, wrote a few pages. I am totally dissatisfied with the quality of my writing. I am writing a history of the NC and I seem to wander over wider fields in a rambling fashion rather than concentrate on the central points and progressive development and clarification of the ideals and objectives of NC in course of its history. NC has developed both organisationally and ideologically as it progressed meeting one challenge after another in the changing situation of the country.

Got a penholder from the market for which permission was granted. I am writing this with the new pen.