Nepali Times
Under My Hat
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?


Although men are supposed to be from Mars, space robots that have been looking under rocks on the surface of the Red Planet these past weeks have found no traces of members of the male species hiding there. Perhaps, if the staffing of the American space program was more gender balanced and there were more female scientists calling the shots, the quest for intelligent life in the inner planets would have centred instead on Venus, where there would have been a higher probability of finding women. (The good news is that space scientists have now found proof that there is water on Mars, although no traces of it have yet been discovered in Sanepa.)

As we get ready to mark another Intergalactic Women's Day back here on Planet Earth, it is time once more to pay tribute to the longstanding struggle of women from all walks of life for equal rights with men. If men can make complete asses of themselves, it is argued, then women should also have the right to make she-asses of their good selves. This is what gender equality is all about. Over the ages, in the arena of behaving like idiots, it was the men who enjoyed a monopoly. But it is not pre-ordained which sex should have more morons, and if women too want to be as idiomatic as us men, then where is the harm?

Having had a headstart, us men have always had an unfair advantage in the race to be the most-asinine sex. So women have a lot of catching up to do, but given perseverance, commitment and determinism they can be as (if not more) idiosyncratic as us. Some men may have their egos slightly dented when they see women overtaking them in the march towards mediocrity, but they should take solace in the fact that imitation is the best form of flattery. What would be more delightful than to see women civil servants mimicing men as they squeeze zits in public while sunning themselves on the balcony of the Department of Women and Labour.

Ever since cave men dragged cave women by the hair and chewed mastodon entrails with their mouths open, right down to the modern industrial age where men still haven't learnt to stow their toilet seats in an upright position during takeoff and landing, us boys have been rightly called the stronger sex. Speaking of which, a recent survey has found that men, on average, think about sex 23 hours a day and the remaining one hour they spend in extracurricular activities such as taking sun-baths on the balcony of the Ministry of Manpower during which period they don't think about anything in particular.

So, if women want to play catch-up with us chaps, they will have to take up some manlike hobbies, like:
. Not just complain that we have a headache, but become headaches ourselves
. Let our eyes rove all over the member of the opposite sex we are talking to, taking time to closely inspect the front bumper and the boot
. Use the Phau period to go on an all-out offensive against the opposite sex
. Treat anyone who has the nerve to overtake you on the Rabi Bhaban uphill as a personal affront to maledom and sideswipe him
. When lost in a strange city, never consult a map, never ask for directions and show we'd rather be lost than found

These simple ideas will allow even the most feminine woman to be as macho as the hairiest of us testesterone-filled numbskulls who are proud to call ourselves men.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)