It is when our homeland sinks slowly into the quagmire right in front of our eyes that we helpless citizens feel the need for a statesmanlike leader like Emperor Nero who had the presence of mind to play second fiddle even as arsonists set fire to his capital city. In other words, what we need is a President Batista who partied all night at Havana's nightclubs and casinos while Comrade Fidel practiced his fiery oratory on the outskirts of the city.

Tragically, our motherland has yet to give birth to leaders like Nero or Batista who can lull anxious inhabitants into thinking that all is hunkydory here in the boondocks. That is why, as our country goes down the tubes, we need to look for other ways of coping with stress by adopting such selfcare activities as alcoholism, procastination and overeating.

So, are you wallowing in depression? Do you have sleepless nights about the future of the country? And none of the usual antidotes like deep breathing exercises, reducing caffeine intake, the 45-day vipassana, biofeedback techniques and acupuncture work here? Hmmm, then we have a problem.

Drastic disorders needs drastic cures, and the only way to stop worrying and start living is to fret about bigger and scarier things so that Nepal's woes will pale into insignificance. Here are some larger overarching catastrophes that you can agonise over so that our country's current travails will just be like water off a duck's back:

Recommended Worry Number 1:
Asteroid hit
A direct hit by a near earth asteroid the size of Sano Thimi off the coast of Orissa. This is so, so scary that it is unthinkable. And if you take into account the fact that the earth gets hit by a largish haemorrhoid once every two million years, you can gauge for yourself how easily mankind, as we know it, could be wiped off the face of the planet. Brood over the effect of this cataclysm twice a day after meals, and nothing that happens in the vicinity of Bag Bazar is ever going to spook you again.

Recommended Worry Number 2:
Volcanic eruption
The beauty about volcanoes is that, unlike asteroids, you don't see them coming. They can therefore hit us anytime, anywhere, without warning. Even as we speak, magma chambers deep within the earth's bowels are churning away, ready to erupt with the impact of a million Hiroshimas. The ash and pyroclastic flows will soar into the stratosphere and blanket the earth in a nuclear winter that will last centuries. With disasters like that to frighten you, why worry about Kathmandu Valley smog?

Recommended Worry Number 3:
Global climate change
When you're down and troubled about the state Nepal is in, just turn your attention to the catastrophic side-effects of global warming in the next 50 years and you will immediately feel relatively better. Melting polar ice caps, Greenland's glaciers carving off into the North Atlantic, rainforests turned into dust bowls, all will help make our problems seem insignificant in comparison. The Maldives will be turned into an underwater republic, while we go underground.

These are longterm catastrophes, but for immediate relief from the fears of being a failed state: sniff formaldehyde, get a root canal and read crazy columns like this every week.