Nepali Times
Under My Hat
Please turn off your vibrators in the Restricted Zone


There won't be anyone who will disagree when I state it on record here that we are on the verge of anarchy in this country as far as the use of mobile phones is concerned. We will tolerate, and indeed applaud, when a regressive vehicle from the Water Supply and Sewerage Board is ceremonially cremated, but we will never allow handphones to be illegally used by drivers unless they (the drivers) are buckled up. What are we letting this country come to if we allow every Tom, Dick and Hari behind the wheel to make phone calls while on the road? After all:

a) Tom has been been stuck for two hours at Putali Sadak because of a julus, and the law-abiding citizen that he is, he has worn his seatbelt for the entire duration.
b) Dick can't get through to the person he is dialling because of congestion in the Nepal Telepathy Corporation's exchange at Jawalakhel.
c) And Hari has decided to convert his momo shop in Bag Bazar into one that sells tyres, brickbats and slingshots but he can't get to it because he's not wearing a helmet.

The world has made tremendous advances in mobile telephony, and it is now possible for your personal handset to serve not just as a phone but also as a walkman, gameboy, spy camera, rolodex, calculator, calendar, alarm clock, stopwatch, notebook, vibrator, and an infrared heat-seeking missile. Now all that needs to be done is to ensure that the device can actually complete a call inside Kathmandu Valley. They're working on it.

It is therefore incumbent upon the royal-appointed government to immediately pass new ordinances regarding the etiquette of mobile phone usage otherwise we as a nation will face chaos and our social fabric may be torn asunder. For instance, the use of handphones must be immediately banned in public toilets because their use has been known to play havoc with the aim of those who do it standing up without lifting the seat. And in the interest of gender equality, similar strictures will soon be put into place for members of the female species as well.

The use of Sony Ericsson T630s are henceforth banned within the Pashupatinath premises because the devices are not Hindus, and also because they can be used to take snapshots of Nandi the Bull from behind. Using the Nokia 7200 in vibrator mode has also been banned with immediate effect within the Restricted Zone, and any miscreant found indulging in such disgusting activity will be nabbed by the gonads.

Because mobiles have become such versatile machines, their user guides are now as thick as the pilot's manual for an Airbus A380. Some highlights from the 'Getting To Know Your Phone' chapter in my manual:

Problem: The phone can't be switched on.
Remedy: That is not a phone, you moron, it is a remote.

Problem: Network Busy Indicator
Remedy: Nyahahahahahahaha! Tricked you again. Please try again later so we can bill you for another uncompleted call.

Problem: Infrared port doesn't work.
Remedy: Place your phone in close proximity to a Bluetooth handsfree enabled PC and allow them to exchange body fluids, you can monitor progress in graphic detail in the status bar but only if you have parental guidance.

Problem: The polyphonic melody in My Sounds doesn't autosynchronise with the user-defined template in the java-powered application drive unless the GPRS session is in progress through a voice-activated password using IMAP4 Protocol.
Remedy: Put phone on Brickbat Mode and throw.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)