Having notched up a few more points in the Transparency International Corruption Index (even overtaking pros such as Burkina Faso and Guinea Bissau) Nepal has won the bid to host the next Global Conference on Graft, it has been reliably learnt.

This is indeed great recognition, since some of the world's most renowned rascals will be here to deliberate for three days on how to swindle more efficiently, as well as to put finishing touches on the Universal Declaration on Plunder and State Capture.

Not only will the conference put Nepal firmly on the world corruption map, it will also boost our convention industry at a time when tourism is going through a bit of a slump. At press time, according to the conference secretariat, more than 1,000 internationally-acclaimed thieves and knaves have confirmed participation, and they include legendary biggies such as Idi Amin and Emperor Bokassa as keynote speakers. Some other up-and-coming Big Names from a certain neighbouring country have said they'll attend, but are known to be still trying to bribe the organisers so they don't have to pay the $1,000 registration fee. "Under the table negotiations are on-going," whispered one staffer..

Meanwhile, the ex-Minister of Injustice and Malfeasance in the 1997 coalition government, as chairman of the Main Organising Committee of the Kathmandu Summit of Rogues, is trying its best to use the occasion to showcase the great strides Nepal has taken since democracy was restored in 1990 to make corruption a way of life.

"Earlier only a few people used to be corrupt, but in the past 12 years we have democratised corruption. Now, everyone is corrupt," the ex-minister boasted after pocketing a baksheesh we had to slip him in exchange for that on-the-record quote.

However, he added, there is no room for competency. With the dissolution of parliament there is real danger that corruption will once more be centralised, and that is why we have to fight that tooth-and-nail by burning tyres on the streets and stoning cars to regain our freedom of embezzlement.

Meanwhile, a draft agenda for the Kathmandu Summit of the World's Top Scoundrels has just been released which looks like this:

24 May, 2004
Delegates Arrive

Many will sneak in without paying visa fees while others will smuggle vast quantities of contraband by evading customs. This is standard operating procedure at such Summits.

Opening Plenary
Welcome Remarks by Nepali ex-Minister, broadcast live to the BICC from his jail cell.

Keynote Speech
'You Can Run and You Can Hide' by Baby Doc Duvalier

Working Paper
'How to Have Your Billions and Eat It Too' by Jeff Skilling.

Free Lunch

Workshop 1:
E-banking Your Hard-earned Cash in Zurich
Executives from a consortium of Swiss and Cayman Island banks will be on hand to answer queries from potential depositers. Resource Person: Bong Bong Marcos.

Workshop 2:
New Stealth Techniques to Combat Transparency
Technological advances in that art of theft allows greed to grow by leaps and bounds. Find out how from world famous money launderers.

Tea, Coffee with Cookies and Hard Cash.

Workshop 3
Correlation Between Corruption and Economic Growth
Dani Kaufmann of the World Bank Institute reveals empirical data for a modified inverted Kuznetz Curve showing economic growth is not possible without medium-to-high levels of corruption.

Workshop 4
Conscience and the Fourth Commandment (or Is It the Sixth?)
How to do ignore your inner voice. Guru Shri Nagadnarayan Thugastakacharya demonstrates meditation therapy to indulge in hanky panky without irritating pangs of conscience.

Tyrants' Networking Evening.