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1 April, 1977

This diary was given to me by Nona a day before we left for Kathmandu. She has given me a small pocket note book also. I haven't made any use of the note book at all. In the beginning I used to write 'Sundarijal' on it every day to keep up a record of my stay here-but then I thought useless to carry on this practice-the record of my detention will be everywhere, and the mention of the place of detention everyday in a little note book is utterly valueless. I make full use of this diary all right. Nona was very thoughtful in getting this for me. Today I remembered her many times. She must have thought that the gift of the diary would stand me in good stead in jail and also that I will write my ideas in it which would be of value in the future-as a record for history. I know I haven't written anything of value in it and if she were to see it she would be disappointed by the commonplaceness of my writing. I don't know when I will be able to meet her, if at all. I also remember Kalpana. What is she doing without about GM. Laxman was to have taken her to All India Medical Institute on the next day of our departure for here. Patna doctors had given alarming reports and about one eye.doctors had given up hope. The present effort was to try to save at least one eye, which is also in grave danger. This is a great tragedy-according to the doctors of Patna such cases are not suitable even for eye transfer. Nobody can do anything, and I feel in prison doubly helpless-can't even inquire about her health and send words of consolation.

In old age people perhaps become more sensitive to human misery-or is it the other way about? I have become very sensitive-perhaps it is not my age but my situation. Perhaps my sensitiveness to human misery is an extension of my sensitiveness about my own situation. The prison situation here is unequivocally trying. In the beginning I thought I would break down mentally. But that desperate mood is over, but the solitary confinement is a trying situation by any calculation. My present misery has prepared me psychologically to understand deeply what human misery is. I don't know. There is a counter argument-that infirmity makes one selfish, human old age, instead of promoting sensitiveness, induces selfishness, that misery [conquers] over sensitiveness, brutalizes it. Both are perhaps true-depends upon the human types.

2 April

I am very tired today, because I did some washing of clothes and bathed very elaborately. I become tired very easily these days. On the advice of the doctor I have given up exercises, and the little I do of yoga or the stretching type also makes me tried, hence I am giving up that too till I regain enough strength. I need to take morning and evening constitutional of almost one hour each-that too I can't maintain. Dr Basnet wants that I must strictly give up all exercises except walking, that too not briskly, for ? hr in the morning and ? hr in the evening. Today I couldn't do even that, but the washing more than made up for the quota of today's physical exercise. I am mostly tired, perhaps too tired even to get 20 mts siesta that I usually want to take after the mid-day lunch. When I am tired it affects my emotional side too-I become homesick, start indulging in self-commiseration. Perhaps this was so with me even outside, only it wasn't so deep and long-lasting. And moreover I hadn't such leisure for self-analysis (which I do here.for want of any other mental exercise). Ever since GM was taken away from here I have to do various kinds of small chores, which also involve physical exercise. But unless I am fit enough to do my normal exercise, I don't feel well both psychologically and physically.

Today is Saturday-hence no newspapers (that is those "govt sheets"-that is an army officer's expression , not mine) but I read those sheets carefully for two reasons, one for the usual reason of trying to squeeze out as much information as possible, like a sleuth on his scent on a fragmentary material, and the other for the love of letters-not that these sheets have any, absolutely any, literary value, but still they print words that are materials for high thoughts-building bricks. I love words for [their] sake. Since yesterday I have started taking Isopterin a specific for heart trouble-a mild heart stimulating drug according to the doctor Basnet. The doctor had sent it to me a week ago, till yesterday I resisted taking it, but since extra .(?) ie missing of heartbeat is persisting and the doctor knows better, I thought that I must submit to his guidance in this matter. He has assured me that Isopterin is mild and shouldn't produce any side effects. Sushila too has a very mild heart condition produced by high bp-mine is not of a similar character of trouble-but still since some treatment for my heart condition has become necessary, we are, as in various other matters, in the same boat. A new link between us. I have a small passport size photo of her gummed on the inside cover of this diary. Whenever I look at it-I do it many times a day-I am [filled] with happiness and my mood is raised.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)