Nepali Times
Back at Sundarijal >39

BP Koirala, in solitary confinement at Sundarijal Prison, starts having suspicions that someone may be reading his diary and discovering his weak health and psychological state. But, he says, "I can't but be truthful in my diary-otherwise I should stop writing diaries." He is still coughing blood, and for the first time BP is worried that it may be something serious, like the throat cancer that afflicted him. The next day there is a visit from the Assistant Zonal Commisioner and a hint that Sushila Koirala may be allowed to visit her husband in prison. BP is excited.

Saturday, 9 April 1977

I have been writing very freely without any reservation in these pages my innermost thoughts, because absolute truth is of the essence on the writings of this personal nature. It is like speaking to yourself, and you can't speak lies to yourself. Well, of course, one wants to hide certain things from oneself too-not in a blatant way, but very insidiously, like exaggerating one's virtues, if any, or finding excuses for one's vices, however atrocious. I try to be as true as possible in recording my thoughts, here of course thoughts are for free therefore in recording my moods or state of my mind. But sometimes I get a sneaking suspicion that perhaps they turn over the pages of my diary when I am busy at the table. If my suspicion is correct then the whole exercise is worse than useless. I have shown myself to be a weak person in these pages, and they mustn't fall within the hands of the people can take mean advantage of this. However, what is the guarantee that they will not openly confiscate it? This is all a matter of vague suspicion that sometimes appears to lurk in my mind. Perhaps they won't do it-altho I cannot credit them with a sense of aristocratic honour. During our last detention in this very prison for 8 years our personal papers were never tampered with, and on our release we took them out without inspection by them. I don't know what . of the present set is. Anyway, I can't but be truthful in my diary-otherwise I should stop writing diaries.

Today also I coughed blood in the morning-the look of the blood saturated sputum is very sinister. Yesterday Dr Bhattarai when looking at it, thought that there were pus like things in the sputum. I will have to wait for 4 or 5 days or even longer to know the result of the pathological exam. Last time about a month ago they didn't find anything-and the symptom disappeared after a week by itself. I told Dr Bhattarai yesterday that when very clearly the blood in the sputum indicated some disease, and that it was not enough for a doctor to say that no pathogen was isolated. So far as I am concerned, I think this is a very serious trouble, some infection perhaps [needing] antibiotic treatment. Or it may be a symptom of a very serious disease-like cancer. My health is deteriorating and I seem to lose weight. Dr Vaish has told me that I should take care of my persistent cough-because that may develop into a trouble of a serious nature. Today's sputum was also sent for exam.

Sunday, 10 April

Temp Pulse
5AM 97 80
11:30 AM 96.5 104
5PM 97.6 76
8PM 96 72

Monday 11 April

Today at about 7AM Major, ie camp commander came in with the .breakfast people. In the breakfast there are usually 2 or 3 pieces of bread and some milk. There was no bread today, and time for serving it is unchangingly 8AM. The Major appeared to be bustling with extra energy. I asked him why the early serving of my breakfast, and that too without toasts. He said that in a hurry the toasts could not be brought out from the Ganeshmanji's prison ("uta patti bata") and that also Anchaladish was likely to pay a visit today-hence breakfast was being served an hour in advance. Lunch was served at 11AM and in fact Ass Anchaladish did come at 11:30 AM to ask me which of the advocates I would like to engage for my defence in the cases pending before a special tribunal. When this team had come on 25th March for interrogation in connection with my case I had told them that I won't answer any questions unless I get the benefit of the advice of legal experts who, I would engage in consultation with my family members. I told the Ass. An. that unless I meet my people I can't decide whom to employ. Then he asked whom I wanted to consult from among the family members. I said Sushila, Nanu, Rosa, and Sriharsha all together. Ultimately I agreed on Sushila alone meeting me, but I told him definitely that I agree to this arrangement with one reservation, which is that if I feel that she would not be able to convey my ideas about my case there where advice is needed for the appointment of a defence lawyer I must meet the other members of my family also. He didn't say anything about it. He gave me a hint that Sushila is already here, and as the name of Sushila came from him I have a feeling that she has applied for an interview with me to the king. Then by allowing her to meet me they would like to kill two birds with one stone: to meet my demand as well as Sushila's request for an interview. Later, I started feeling that I should have stuck to the demand of meeting all the 4 members of my family-they would perhaps have agreed to it. Sushila is so innocent about everything, particularly about politics that, apart from my emotional satisfaction, from the political point of view the interview with her would be of very little consequence. Still by the general behaviour of her, her demeanour, I may be able to assess the atmosphere outside. The whole day I was extremely excited at the thought of meeting her. It may be the breakthrough. Ass. Anchaldish again assured me that our isolation would be lifted soon after the preliminary inquiries are over. I told him that it was against Human Rights to keep a prisoner in solitary confinement which for sensitive people, and the . like ourselves are sensitive men, is the worst type of torture, psychological torture. Moreover I am under-trial, who is in the point of law supposed to be innocent. And as such I must get at least all the facilities that are normally provided to convicted prisoners even in Nepal jails.

Today also there was blood in my sputum which was also sent for examination. This is the 3rd specimen of sputum sent for exam.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)