To the casual observer, it may seem that this country has come to a complete standstill. In fact, it hasn't. If you look carefully, there are still signs of normalcy in the nation's nooks and crannies. For example, despite successive Nepal bandhs our corner momo shop is still dumping unused body parts of deceased water buffaloes on the neighbourhood garbage pile. As long as Nepal's average per capita consumption of momos stays above the national benchmark for Middle-Income Developing Nations, we know that we're not yet a failed state.

The question I have is: if we are all agreed that we want to destroy the country completely, why fight about it? Let's avoid duplication and pool our resources. I'm glad to report here today that despite a crisis of nationalistic proportions, our leaders are firmly united in their effort to make things worse. (Sworn Statement: "United, we stand. Divided we lie down and go to sleep.")

As expected, the Goodwill Talks went better than expected. They ordered 15 plates of chicken momos and a crate of beer to break the ice, and by the end of it all there was a lot of back-slapping and bonhomie. We need to build on this with a second round of Goodwill Talks to be held at the Naya Nepal Dance Restaurant & Bar (With Cabin Private Limited). In fact, if we keep on partying like this, we will never have to get down to substantive issues so there will never be any danger of talks collapsing.

Still, there will come a time when our unity will be sorely tested. And for that we must remember our National Oath: "Be prepared to fight over the umbrella on a rainy day." That is why we are pleased to announce a series of tripartite conflict resolution exercises so that we can apply ourselves with even more single-minded vigour to the task of national deconstruction. First off, we strongly recommend that the leaders of all political parties take a 10-day residential Vipassana Meditation Retreat at Shivapuri. For people used to talking all day, the vow of silence will be unbearable at first. Since the ego is the root of all divisiveness, we remove the ego and, presto, problem solved. That, and a diet of fern salad for ten days, should finally allow the leadership of the political parties the path to inner happiness, fulfilment and a universal remedy for universal ills. As a follow-up all participants are required to log six hours of watching Maharishi Channel every day on cable: only by listening to someone even more boring than themselves will they realise the impermanence of existence and the transient nature of the soul in the cycle of death and re-birth. At the end of it, they may even be able to levitate without aides.

As for the peace process, since the government team has finally been selected they can now graduate from playing badminton to volleyball. A Goodwill Volleyball Tournament-cum-Fund Raiser has been scheduled this weekend at the National Stadium. Money raised will go to finance goodwill talks in the coming decade-and-a-half.