Nepali Times
Under My Hat
Our nation’s horrorscope


Throughout human history to the present day, mankind has fantasised about heavenly bodies. So if you are one of those, there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

From the core of our galaxy to the farthest reaches of the universe, the earth's passage through the cosmos has held deep significance for people on our home planet as we try to make momentous decisions on whether or not, for example, to take the plunge and declare a state of national urgency. The behaviour of the planets and the moon are especially important to prepare compatible horoscope charts to ensure that they are properly aligned with each other as well as with Intelsat 5 which is in geostationary orbit over the Indian Ocean even as we speak. In case the planets are not in harmony with the constellations as is often the case, we have in our country many expert preceptors who can fix that for a fee. And even though they can never seem to agree with each other, they can, if need be, calculate planetary orbits relative to each other and come up with a way to cajole Mars and Venus, for instance, to make a more auspicious configuration and slip in an astronomical baksheesh to Jupiter and Saturn to look away. Those two are real troublemakers.

The problem arises when, like at the present time in which we have no parliament and no prime minister, we also don't have a royal astrologer. How on earth are we supposed to make important decisions on matters of state if the post of Astrologer General is vacant? How will we ever know when to appoint a prime minister or bring post-paid mobiles back into service?

So, in the public interest and to hasten the decision-making process here is the nation's horoscope. (Instructions for use: read all the zodiacal forecasts and pick the one that is best suited to you.)

Aries: Mistakes can be made if you are too impulsive or don't think things through. Be patient and let them make the first move.
Taurus: You will be released from house arrest today. Be grateful. You got three months to think.
Gemini: Strong chances of party unity this Friday, if it doesn't happen now it won't happen in our lifetime.
Cancer: Auspicious to come above ground and rethink your strategy. Read Sun Tzu.
Leo: Today is not a good day at work. You'll receive a gift from someone you haven't seen in a long time. Don't open it.
Virgo: Go away, I have nothing to say to you.
Libra: An alteration of the home furniture will be beneficial, replace cabinet.
Scorpio: Money is coming your way this week but I wouldn't put that down in the personal asset declaration form just yet if I were you.
Sagittarius: You can try once more to fly out to New Delhi. This time, try another airline.
Capricorn: Isn't it embarrassing to be caught actually reading this stuff?
Aquarius: You'll be meeting a lot of world leaders, so work on your handshake.
Pisces: Your hard work will pay off and you'll actually get away with another weekly column in which you turn yourself into a complete dork.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)