t's that time of year again for an event that all of you have been eagerly awaiting: The Annual Most Remarkable Loo in Nepal Awards Night. Unpleasant as it may seem, it is in the national interest that we conduct this ceremony with proper decorum, so I crave your indulgence. May I request all of you with gastroenteritis to turn your mobiles off. Our aim is to award everyone in this country an award until there is no one left to award awards to. Your aim will help.
Thank you, Ladies and/or Gentlemen, for attending this important event, it is your interest, passion and your bowel activity that help us guarantee that our bathrooms meet Turd World standards in various olfactory and visual categories. Before we move on to the nominations, a small housekeeping announcement: the rest rooms here at the Birendra International Convention Centre do not support human life as we know it. But I know that will not deter many of you from venturing out into the Death Zone to get yourselves into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest that a human being has survived without actually breathing. So, good luck.
OK, let's get this over with. Here with me on stage with the nomination envelopes is the Director General of the Lack of Water Supply and Sewerage Board who has kindly consented to announce this year's winners. Over to you, sir.
"First off, let's start with the Most Aromatic Toilet in the Western Development Region. I know you all have your personal favourites, but unfortunately there can be only one victorious bathroom, and for the tenth consecutive year the winner is Nepalganj Airport. A round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, for a well-deserved win to an aerodrome that has consistently created the greatest stink over the past decade.
That brings us to the Least Bio-degradable Bathroom in the supporting category for which this year's winner is The Mt Everest Base Camp Common Toilet Tent situated on a crevasse on the Khumbu Glacier, which is moving downhill (with everything on it) at one metre per year. In another 3,500 years this facility will be located in the vicinity of Lobuje at which point archaeological excavations will allow scientists to glean details of the diet of prehistoric mountaineers.
The next is the Most Airworthy Toilet category in which the Aft Starboard Lavatory in the Royal Nepal Airlines 757 Karnali has won uncontested. It wouldn't have been possible for the airline to do this on its own, and the national flag carrier owes a debt of gratitude to an aimless flying public.
And finally, we have this year's winner of the Golden Toilet Seat Trophy for the best overall performer, and the winner is: the Bir Hospital Outdoor Ward Urinal, which is impossible to walk into because one has to wade instead. This is the closest we humans have come to simulating conditions on the Jupiter moon, Ganymede, whose surface is covered with a mixture of liquid ammonia and nitrous oxide. Congratulations to tonight's winners, see you all next year, and we wish each and everyone of you happy toilet training."
