As if the world wasn't depressing enough, we in the newspaper business are determined to make you more miserable by not allowing a single day to go by without news of genocides, terrorism, massacres, hurricanes and George Bush's continuing lead in opinion polls. But that is the way the cookie crumbles, and you ordinary mortals have no option but to glance at these off-putting items of news, and turn immediately to the comics page.

Luckily, there is still one newspaper that brings us glad tidings, items of wholesome news that are uplifting, inspiring and tell tales of the triumph of the human spirit. Unfortunately, it just folded because of an acute shortage of content material. But it is our duty to carry on the grand tradition by carrying on the good fight to look for happy news in every dark and dank corner and bring it to our reader's attention, although we take no responsibility for the veracity of these reports:

No Oil Price Hike This Week
BY OUR CRUDE REPORTER

Breaking from its usual tradition, Nepal Oil Corruption failed to announce its weekly hike in petroleum price this Friday, saying it hadn't finished calculating losses after crude oil broke the $50/barrel mark.

"But not to worry, we'll make up for this lapse with a double digit increase next week," a senior NOC official assured reporters, adding that this was good news for those committing fuel adultery since every increase means a heftier margin for bootleggers.

Airport Taxis To Stay
BY A GLAD ANALYST

The nefarious attempt by a used-car dealer to replace the airport's Antique Taxi Service has been foiled in the nick of time.

The shady deal would have involved replacing the tottering 30-year-old Datsuns that currently ferry passengers from the airport and charge an arm and a leg for the experience, with much newer 1975 model Toyopets. If it had gone through, the move would have struck a severe blow to efforts by tourism officials to give arriving passengers a taste of hippie-era Nepal on the drive in from the airport.

"Our historic taxis would have been replaced by newer models that wouldn't rattle as much, have much cleaner seats, and wouldn't have wheels falling off even once on the drive to Thamel," a spokesman of the Antique Taxi Service said, "the good news is that we outbid the competition by paying higher-up authorities more money under the table to extend our contract."

Peaceful Committee Doing Homework
BY OUR CHEERFUL CORRESPONDENT

The High-Level Peaceful Committee, which has already spent two days on the homework given by Comrade Awesome with a list of six multiple-choice questions, says it may need the weekend to complete it.

"The questions are really tough, we aren't used to such difficult homework," said the Minister of Jungles, threatening to close all traffic at Ratna park in protest unless question papers are made simpler in future. One particular question seems to have stumped the committee:

Q: Are you really in charge?
Yes
No
We will ask the concerned higher-up authority and get back to you

Maoists Not Needed Anymore: Girija
BY A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY HACK WHO PREFERS ANONYMITY

Ex-prime minister and leader of the pro-demagoguery alliance, GP Koirala, told rioters burning cars in Pulchok Thursday his party was now capable of creating as much, if not more, mayhem than Maoists.

"We will prevent ministers from going to work," he said, and then added as an afterthought, "we will also prevent anyone else trying to commute to work." But he warned rented arsonists they may have to take a salary cut because of a cash crunch, and since there was no more money left to buy tyres they'd have to set fire to college furniture.
"We don't even need to call a banda to bring the city to a halt," he boasted, "why do you need the Maoists if you have me?"