Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
The asstrologer's prognosis for 2013

ASS


When politics becomes so unpredictable, the only way to inject some certainty into our lives is by allowing anal-ysts like yours truly to forecast the country's future based on planetary alignments. The Astrologer General has decided that the Federal Kleptocratic Republic of Nepal is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars, so the President will have to keep on issuing new deadlines every week to the political parties to form a consensus government till at least July 2013.

***

Pundit Tantrik Bihangamraj Timilsina is former asstrologer-in-chief of the Nepal Army, and in his illustrious career accurately predicted the downfall of a prominent general, who promptly excommunicated him. The soothsayer has in the past foretold the rise and fall of prominent kangresi politicians, and in an interview with a respected publication this week, he has even provided readers with his mobile number which the Donkey now reveals to loyal readers on condition that you keep it to yourself: 9841314120. Anyway, planetary alignments show that Jhusil Kaka's chances of becoming prime minister are better than all his rivals, since Jupiter is in Capricorn, but he better hurry because after mid-January his chances of making it to Balu Water will vanish. Similarly, the cosmic location of Lion Brave's planets are so crazy he doesn't stand a chance of becoming prime minister for the fifth time. PKD's heavenly bodies are so misaligned that he may as well just retire from politics, according to astrologers. About Kingji's chances of restoring the monarchy, Pundit Bihangamraj says the moon is in the wrong constellation, but if the political parties continue to mess things up, who knows, the planets may just realign themselves and bring the Bad Shah back.

***

BRB is using every trick in the book to keep on clinging on to Balu Water, and is outfoxing the Old Fox in foxiness. At a meeting this week, BRB caught everyone including PKD, off guard by proposing that he would be agreeable to step down if Awesome replaced him. It was a masterstroke, and came from Ram Babu's understanding that deep down that is exactly what Lotus Flower desperately wants. Then, to defuse pressure from the NC, BRB summons Bhai Gagan to Balu Water, sending the kangresis into a tizzy.

***

It's now really getting difficult to track the factions within factions of the Baddie party. After Baidya Ba parted ways with Uncle Awesome, a serious rift has developed between PKD and BRB. Bhattarai Baje has been busy wooing more Dahal Baje loyalists to his side ahead of the convention so as to present a serious challenge to PKD's chairmanship. It bears remembering that this party hasn't had a convention for 23 years, and BRB is seriously worried that if PKD stays on there will be a cult of personality problem. So far, PKD knows that despite losing the backing of the Baidya Comrades he has the numbers and the cash to retain his leadership of the party. But if in January it looks like BRB is getting stronger, don't put it past Herr Fuhrer to put off the convention on some pretext or other. Which begs the question: what is going to happen to all the millions the Maobaddies and the Khaobaddies have extracted from businesses in the past weeks as "donation" for their party's Unconventional Convention.

Multinational chains are jinxed in Nepal, it seems, and the latest travails of KFC just proves the point. No wonder McDonalds and Starbucks are so skittish about opening outlets in Kat Town. There is one Japanese international chain store that is not going to come to Nepal anytime soon (see picture) for obvious reasons, although who knows it may be wildly successful if it does. On a recent flight to Malaysia, Nepali workers suddenly all burst out laughing when the in-flight announcement ended with 'Terima Khasi', which loosely translated means 'your mother is a goat', or words to that effect. There was even louder and naughtier merriment when the meal trays were handed out, and the Nepalis on board were amused at the Malay words on the sugar sachets that read 'GulaPutih'.



1. Rituraj Sapkota
I actially checked out that sugar sachet's name to make sure you weren't bluffing. Haven't laughed this hard for foul language in years.
also, it's amazing how we are comfortable iwth the f-word in english but so many ppl might cringe at "chhada" words in our mother tongue


2. nepali hypocrite

so, even the stones have started speaking. 




3. nepali hypocrite

i hadn't reached the last paragraph.

i have serious doubt about that sugar's taste.



4. who cares
is it true that mrs.deuba beat the crap out of mr.deuba in protest of the rape?

5. Bhaicha
Nutmeg in Malaya Bhasa is called Lando putih.
Milk is called susu.
So what is sauce for the gander is not sauce for the goose,


6. Bhaicha
Muji comes from Urdu. It means a wicked person,. Gradually in Nepali it got a different meaning.


7. Chirikaji
Resolve the dead lock now. It is too late.
National Government must be formed for election ,not erection.
All parties in the former CA should be represented with only one minister each.
Let Gutchhchhe- dara, the Moshe Dayan / Chewan Rishi be declared the Prime Minister.
UML , Nc, CPN Maoist, take their choice of the portfolio or if they disagree ,resolve it by lotto.
Don,t wait further.


8. FANtASStic
Ass you rock!!! Not only is your political satire funny but your observation powers are amazing too...

I only like the backside because of you ASS!!! lol :p


9. p_1
ok to correct 

sugar was GULA

and pepper was LADAPUTIH


and both were on the tray...and i found it amusing and took a photograph




10. yam gurung

Please no swearing and watse of your breath to these wood nose puppet leaders of Nepal.

Because these puppet leaders have left nothing to be shamed off.

These puppets,maobaddi's and khaobaddi's will do anything to name and shame our beautiful "Himalayan Kingdom of Nepal".



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LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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