Hope all Ass fans out there had an indolent Dasain Tihar out of solidarity with our political leaders who sat back, relaxed, and gambled with the country's future. Here are some happenings that you may have missed because newspapers (except yours truly) will not be coming out on Friday. Surgeon general's warning: none of this is made up.

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PKD promised two months ago to party faithful that he would move into a more modest residence, remember? That was the plenum where he was skinned alive for his luxuriously revolutionary lifestyle. Anyway, the Chairman's sidekick clarified to the press the house-hunting was on, real estate agent Mr Lal is being supervised closely by Comrade Sita and they have looked high and low but haven't yet found any home befitting the Dear Leader. The house has to be more imposing than the Pistachio Palace in Naya Bazar, and less luxurious than the Lazimpat Darbar. The specs are: 12 bedrooms, garage for four SUVs, parking for at least 15 vehicles, swimming pool, a guard house, and a high perimeter wall. Sounds to me like Awesome should just move into Nirmal Niwas. Which must be what he was getting at when he warned that facilities granted to the ex-king would be withdrawn if he (majesty) didn't keep his trap shut?

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The Great Helmsman must be mighty chuffed that a tabloid has named him the most-corrupt person in Nepal today in a list of the Top Dirty Half-Dozen politicians. Needless to say, Chairman Awesome deserves the honour, and at the rate he is going, he is working hard to bag the award next year too. The other shady personalities on the list, including Gutch, Brave Lion, Comrade Yummy, and Rajinder-ji have a lot of catching up to do to knock PKD off his pedestal. The paper also has a list of the three top honest leaders and, guess what, Jhusil Da comes out as the cleanest politician alive. Almost makes you want to wish our leaders would be just a little crooked, so we could get things moving. A bit of constructive corruption never hurt anyone, eh?

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PKD must have been bored out of his mind during the holidays because he agreed to be brand ambassador for Everest Toothpaste. Is there a message there? He also signed an agreement with himself for the Lumbini project. Get this: Chairman of the ruling party signs a MoU with an organisation of which he is the vice-chairman. And the total allocation for the Lumbini Disneyland Project has suddenly jumped from $3billion to $5billion because of the added expense of the construction of a Cloud Tower in the middle of Kenzo Tange's masterplan for the development of Buddha's birthplace. Really feels like Gangnam style in gangsterland.

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Tongues are wagging over at KUKL over the appointment of The First Lady's Sis as head honchess. Big Brother is watching, so no reason why Big Sister can't, right? What people don't understand, argues Comrade Hasiya, is that it is her filial duty to take care of her relatives. Besides, Didi is eminently qualified to take over Kathmandu's water supply, now that jailbirds who dug themselves out of a prison are going to be recruited to finish the Melamchi tunnel, if they are ever caught that is.

Meanwhile, Hubby Boy was off again for his once-a-month sleep-over with the downtrodden, and this time it was the Dali family in Kapilbastu. BRB is making these trips to "learn firsthand the problems of my people". Which must be why he built the Dalis an indoor squatting toilet. But, hey, where's the flush? Just before being helicoptered off for his night out, Comrade Lal Dhoj said he was still a revolutionary at heart and called his prime ministership a 'paji' job. Interesting choice of word because the dictionary doesn't even list such epithets. Some research has revealed that 'paji' actually means 'armpit hair' which proves the prime minister was actually being polite, and didn't want to use the Nepali word for 'cockpit hair'.

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Guess who makes up the biggest chunk of the applicants to the US e-Diversity Visa this year? Yes, former combatants from the cantonments who are no longer terroristas. Very apt that ex-Baddies have altered their wartime motto from "Yankees, Go Home!" to "Yankees, Go Home. And Take Us With You!"