Nepali Times
Ass-trological outlook for Nepal


No weekly column this week will be complete without listing the various theories about why Tour Minister Loktantra Bista forgot to get a Schengen visa before flying off to Berlin this week, and had to spend two days at the transit hotel in Abu Dhabi with his wife. This is the same gunslinging comrade who once pulled out a pistol inside the parliament and threatened fellow legislators with grievous bodily harm. Here are some theories that are floating around about why the Honourable Minister didn't bother to get a visa:

This was the Uncivil Minister's symbolic protest to push for freedom of movement and a bordeless, visa-free world
He was going to apply for political asylum on arrival, fearing persecution from a rival Maoist faction
As a minister, he thought he could just wing it like ministers can wing anything in Nepal
He was planning to pull out his gun and shoot his way into Germany
Worse comes to worst, he thought he could always bribe German immigration police at Flughafen Tegel
He thought going to Berlin was like going to Patna
He was doing Germany a favour by testing for loopholes in the Schengen Treaty
He didn't want to get a Schengen visa in case someone wanted to send him to the ICC in The Hague someday
He thought Communists with 'red' passports are respected in Germany, the birthplace of Karl Marx
Tourister Minister wanted to experience first-hand the harrassments thousands of ordinary Nepalis go through every day at airports

Some of you star-struck readers out there will have noticed that Jupiter and Venus are getting up close and personal in the heavens these days. And for the first time in ten years, all five visible planets are in the evening sky, that is if you can see through Kathmandu's smog. To make sense of this phenomenon we consulted the ex-royal astrologer who says the conjunction of the planets doesn't bode well for Nepal till May. In fact, the soothsayer advises all Nepalis to stay indoors, bolt the windows and wear ear plugs to avoid any untoward mishaps. As long as I had him on the line, I asked the ass-trologer whether the constitution would be written on time. He measured the distance between Jupiter and Venus, did some calculations and said: "In some parallel universe, maybe, but not in this one."

Which should be very worrying to all and sundry, but the way our pols are going about their business it looks like they don't have a care in the world. In his war anniversary speech at Khula Munch last month, Chairman Maximum poured scorn over the Supreme Court ruling that there will be no more extensions of the CA after May. And while in public he tells everyone not to worry about the constitution not being written in time, confidentially he has been telling colleagues not to worry because there will be another extension. It is clear the Maobaddie strategy is to drag this thing out as long as possible until the time is ripe to go for state capture. Which is why Ram Sharan is coming out with his axe swinging these days calling the Baddies all a bunch of liars and hypocrites. Umm, but that is what the Mau-Mau cadre themselves call their leaders, no?

This headline was bound to happen sooner or later: 'Maoist Leaders Stranded Because of Maoist Bandh'. So it came to pass that the top Baddie brass had trooped off to Pyuthan to hear themselves give fiery speeches when they found out they couldn't get out of there because of a strike called by local comrades. They got the Army to dispatch Gyanu's Romeo Alfa Juliet to rescue them. As the Super Puma took off in a cloud of dust, local reporters overheard people in Pyuthan who had been stranded all day due to the bund hurling choice epithets at the former revolutionaries that are unprintable even in the backside page, but one sounded like "Ma-Cheese".

Who says there hasn't been progress in the peace process? During the war, the Baddies used choppers to cut people into little pieces, now they fly choppers. Which is what convicted murderer and CA member, Ball Krishna Dhungel, did the other day in Salleri in the company of the Energetic Minister, Mr Post Man. No wonder the cops are going around arrresting jay walkers and those driving under the influence, because they can't seem to get around to arresting serial killers-turned-politicians.

1. A Nepali

Ass, you don't need theories speculating why the tourism minister didn't bother to get a visa. The facts are quite obvious: "he's downright dumb and stupid," as are his underlings who organized his trip. Nepal needs smart, capable people at the helm, and all we have are ignorant pakhes in the various cabinet positions. 

2. Poudyal
I just think ''A Nepali'' is equally wonder we get minister like these....can't he read the irony......things are so obvious as he puts plain and simple  that an ass has to around developing new stupid theories ........for weekend reading.

3. A Nepali
"Poudyal" baje: You want to rest your bhate belly over the weekend and read stuff that entertains you, while the country is going down the tubes. Irony will not get us out of this dismal situation in the country. We need to tell it as it is. Why don't you get off your fat ass and tell/do something productive for a change.

4. shyam
I agree with Poudyal's statement. Things are simple, but why this Ass is making the things "ASS". It is maybe Mr. Ass is a really ASS.
The other thing, why does Mr. Ass run only behind  the Khaobadi's Ass, but not Hijada (UML)'s and Dangri (congress)'s Asses? Did not you get any smells (gandha) from their ASS as Khaobadi spell out corruption, gundas and killing? 

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)