BIKRAM RAI

Some followers of the donkey have written in to ask if the headline last week 'Minister Goes Mad' was made up. Let me, once and for all, set the record straight here and clarify unequivocally that NOTHING on the backside page is made up. Exaggerated maybe, the truth bent perhaps, sometimes embellished, but everything here is as real as it gets. And so it was with the minister (will remain unnamed until his next of kin are notified) who while driving to work last week suddenly tried to get out of the moving vehicle and asked his driver and bodyguard to let him travel on the roof of the SUV. The quick-thinking driver drove him straight to Norvic hospital where the minister was promptly straitjacketed.

Kangresis and mainstream Eh-Maleys have decided that this is not the time to bring down the BRB coalition, and have given him till mid-March. But the main threat to the prime minister's longevity comes from within his own party. Awesome is working overtime behind the scenes and got the Politburo to vote on Sunday to get the PM to resign within a week. Comrade Babu got so spooked he dashed off in his Mustang to Makunay's home under the cover of darkness during loadshedding hours.

But Comrade Tremendousness has redeployed his YCL into an espionage network led by none other than Moon Brave Thapa, also known by his nom de guerre, Special Agent Sagar. PKD's spies have got Balu Water under such close surveillance that every evening he is debriefed in Lazimpart about whom the prime minister met, for how long, and sometimes even a transcript of what was discussed.

And this just in, the reason Awe-inspiring was in such a hurry to move house was because Comrade Uma told him a couple of months ago that he was going to be bumped off one of these days. PKD was overheard telling a confidante soon after: "Good thing I kept the cantonments otherwise Ram Bahadur would have finished me."

The Maoists may have stopped killing people, but they haven't stopped making a killing. The latest estimate is that the party has awarded itself Rs 15 billion worth of moolah since 2006 as cantonment allowances, retirement packages, compensation for victims' families, allocated Rs 40 million for Comrade Son-Also-Rises to climb Mt Everest, etc. How much of that went to the party coffers and how much into the deep pockets of various comrades is not yet clear. This must be why Comrade God has been so adamant in not allowing the House to ratify international agreements to curb money laundering, extradition of organised criminals and terrorism funding. Paris Danda hardliners must have plenty to hide if they are so fixated on filibustering the Paris meeting on FATF this week?

The High-Level Committee that was formed to probe the fire alongside the runway at TIA last week is apparently investigating if resident monkeys at the airport were experimenting with matches on the dry grass. As part of the recommendations, the Task Force is mulling allowing cows back into Gauchar to graze as they used to in the days of Dakotas because the civil aviation authoritarians seem to have no inclination to mow the grass.

Voters in Sarlahi and Sunsari, fed up with the lack of progress in writing the constitution, have threatened members of the Constituent Assembly that they will be taken around town in a donkey if they lay foot in their districts. It was meant as an insult to the ass-embly members, but as far as this columnist is concerned they couldn't have bestowed a greater honour on our ilk.

The number of ex-expats returning to Nepal to have tooth jobs done by Dr Neil has grown exponentially in recent years. Latest arrivals have been ex-plenipotentiaries and ex-UNMIN chiefs. NTB take note: the country could cash in on the huge potential for orthodontic tourism.

If like me, you can't make head or tail of what's going on from reading the daily papers these days, here is a simplified synopsis of what is going on:

PKD wants RCP to be PM
BKG wants PKD to be PM
JNK wants KPO to be PM
RCP wants BRB to continue
BRB wants BRB to continue

And that is the end of the news.