The Ass, as many fans know, is partial to grass. And this Shivaratri will be remembered in history as the festival that legalised weed once more. The irony of it all was that while Kathmandu's finest were rounding up the Babas and their Bhang Stash this week, over on the other side of Pashupati delegates were firing up the First National Marijuana Convention. Nepal's parliament, having proven that it is the most liberal in South Asia by legalising gay marriage and allowing daughters inheritance, should now follow up by also legalising pot for medicinal use and giving back Nepal's farmers the cash crop they need. As loyal readers will have gleaned, the Ass is firmly on the side of correcting the retrogressive 1973 decision to ban marijuana. The delegates at the 1st All-Over-Nepal Grassy Convention discussed the medical uses of marijuana, as a painkiller, and as one of the only ways to keep one's sanity in these depressing times. Instead of a tea break, delegates had a pot break and all felt much better after that.
Hard to understand the hoo-hah over the prime minister's new Range Rover. Would it have been ok if it was a Pajero or a Land Cruiser? Wouldn't be surprised if the whole uproar was engineered by the Japanese SUV lobby to sabotage the major inroad made by the Tata-owned SUV company to give our PM new four-wheel traction. Even so, a brilliant move by Land Rover to go viral on the net to generate all that free publicity worth karods in sales. Now everyone will want one. But then, the PM can't be seen in a car that every Tom, Dick and Hari has, so we hereby propose that Jhola Nath be allowed by Act of Parliament to have a stretched Humvee. How else is he ever going to have the confidence to complete his cabinet? Actually what we should really be worried about is why ex-Homeward Minister was allowed to put a private red plate on his Land Cruiser and take it home with him. Give it back, Bhim Bro. Be a sport.
The first and only contender for the Only in Nepal Headline of the Week Contest for this Friday is: 'Decisive Meeting Indecisive'. The Makunay Sarkar had to carry on taking care for seven months after resigning, and the Jhallu Sarkar can't form a cabinet a month after being sworn in. And the reason is the same: the Battle for the Home Ministry is not between UML and the Maobaddies, but within those two parties. In the latest of many decisive meetings to seek a Final Solution this week, Chairman Fierceness told the UML folks: "Why can't you propose any other name besides Bishnu Poudel for Griha Muntri?" To which a frustrated and tired eh-Maley leader (probably Com Oily) muttered: "It would be better to give Griha to the Baddies than give it to Bum Dev." An attending Baddie whispered back in his ear: "And all this is to prevent Laldhoj from being anywhere in the new coalishun." Anyway, now that Komred Fearsome has his man as PM, and sees there's no way his party is getting the home portfolio, on instructions from his Baddie Master he's got Khanal Sir to propose the Leftist God as a compromise candidate. At press time, the lobbying by the Maley faction within the eh-Maley for the Left-leaning God had become pretty intense.
Meanwhile, Fearsome has all the time in the world to attend Wrestling Matches and deliver another fiery tirade warning of The Apocalypse at the headquarters of the YCL Jackboots at Khanna Garments in Gwarko. However, Maoist factions loyal to Dr Kiran and Com Red Flag were conspicuous by their absence. Psst: the row is all over who gets to keep the casino loot.
This brings us to the Donk's Headline Forecast, containing a list of headlines we are sure to see in the papers (including this one) in the coming week:
'Constitution Will Not Be Written On Time: Deuba'
'Who Says Constitution Will Not Be Written On Time? Khanal'
'Congress Should Join Govt: Sujata'
'Congress Shouldn't Join Govt: Sushil'
UML Must Join Govt: Bharat Mohan'
'UML Mustn't Join Govt: Nepal'
'7-pt Agreement Was Treason: Oli'
'7-pt Agreement Was, Like, Great: Prachanda'
'7-pt Agreement Was the Best Thing That Happened to Me: PM'
The King's Speech