Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
Living in a fine country

ASS


The question on everyone's lips this week: who is going to be Home Minister? Right? Wrong. The question on everyone's lips is: "How are we going to deal with 16-hour power cuts a day from next month?" As a public service, the Donkey presents below ten easy tips to survive the powerless days ahead:

1. Detach your home from the grid completely: use firewood in the kitchen, go back to petromax for reading, and kerosene for Molotov cocktails for the Jana Bidroha starting 28 May
2. Yank out doors and turn your fridge into a bookshelf and your microwave into an underwear closet
3. Buy a mobile that has a built-in lighter so you can ignite candles with it
4. Buy an exercise bicycle with dynamo to burn carbs while powering the wifi router and PC for internet
5. Learn Braille
6. Buy surplus US Army night-vision equipment for the whole family from e-Bay, including one for your Rottweiler for added security at night
7. Collect the brightest little fireflies in a jar and use as emergency light (needs regular replenishing)
8. Repaint your commode with phosphorescent paint so you can locate it when you have to go at night
9. Promote load-shedding as a tourist attraction (slogan: "Visit Nepal and Travel Back to the Dark Ages")
10. Apply for DV lottery and get the hell outta here

***

We are used to Comrade Cry-Baby shedding a crocodile tear or two. After all, Hamid Karzai, Luiz Inacio Lula de Silva, Olusegun Obasanjo, and, most famously, Kenneth Kaunda all broke into tears at the drop of a hat. But it seems the mass hysteria last Thursday at the Baddie central committee meeting infected even Commander Annual Man Pun, who was reduced to tears when the Chairman said he was withdrawing his candidacy. ("Uh-oh, there goes my Home Ministry.")

***

Predictably, the secret 7-Punkt agreement is tangled in a band-fand dispute again. The great thing about tap-secret agremos is that you can always have a different interpretation of what transpired. Hence, PM JN says, "It wasn't an agreement, it was just a proposal." Or: "It wasn't secret, there just wasn't even time to inform my UML colleagues." Whereas Comrade Awesomeness, speaking to cadre at Kirtipur says there weren't just seven secret agreements, "there were many more." Like he did in the Shaktikhor tape about UNMIN, he went on to boast: "My agreement with JN was just a tactic, we fooled him and we also showed India who is boss. We can throw him out anytime."
The morning after this tirade, PKD meets secretly this time with the same Uncooked Operative who he met in S'pore and Kowloon last year. No wonder no one trusts this guy.

***

Under pressure from his party for having unilaterally and slyly signed away everything just so he could become PM by hook but mostly by crook, Jholababu has been backpedalling furiously. He is also saying he never agreed to a 'rotational' prime ministership, only a 'revolving' one after NC joined the govt. Fat chance. Looks like the only choices we have are a 'revolting' PM or one with a 'revolver'.

On the establishment of a separate security force for cantonment Baddies, JN now says he was thinking along the lines of forest rangers, a rapid deployment disaster relief force or a border security force under the army's command. That's like letting a wolf in sheep's clothing guard the goat herd. Imagine what a boost that will be to illegal logging and cross-border smuggling. Besides, Nepal will need a major natural disaster every month or so just to keep this force occupied, and away from mischief. And how come no one talks of the YCL Red Guards, when are they going to be demobilised and disbanded?

***

Airbus Industrie, which had refused to payback a 750,000 dollar advance, finally agreed to do so this week probably in the hope that the new govt would revive the deal under a Baddie cabinet. But, guess what, the NAC management is refusing to send the bank a/c#, it seems they don't want the money back. Tax payers can also kiss goodbye to the $25,000 fine in hotel charges for Makunay's visit to New York that got cancelled at the last moment last year. We were also fined $45,000 by the Indians for cancelling the MRP deal. Like Singapore, this is getting to be a 'fine' country, yar.

Hard to understand why PM JN is off to Cambodia for 'peace talks' with Jhusil and Chairman Tremendous mediated by Comrade Hun Sen. What can they say in Siem Reap that they can't in Simara? One way to salvage the trip would be for PKD to visit Tuol Sleng, and sit in at the Khmer Rouge war crimes trial as an observer.



1. Daarshanik
I like Tip # 10.

2. aawartan.org
All the listed ten points are fantastic but the one which should immediately be followed (and it might have occurred to you too in the dead of the night a long time ago) is number 8! 

3. FG Wrong
BTW what is ESTABILITY????? HAN sucks...

4. kabulekanchho
A trip to Tuel Sleng would be a good education trip for Kaamred Prachande to understand what went wrong with his bloody insurgency and why he could not enjoy the peoples' power while his Khmer cousin Salath Sor got at-least three years of "freedom to slaughter any one he wished". 


5. jange
3. FG Wrong

BTW what is ESTABILITY?????


This is the condition that our Prime Minister is in at the moment. We have just invented this word to describe the unique situation of our PM.

Words are the latest Nepali export product too. We can invent words for any situation. We also do words to order to meet your specific requirements.

Discounts for orders more than 10- per year. Most competitive rates. No one can underprice us.

Contact:

ASS

NT

Agragami Directorate

Krantikari Division

Khurafati Depatmet

Kaite section



6. Victor Brazensky
Hey FG wrong, Estability is just another word like e-commerce and e-governance. The HAN people just forgot to put hyphen in between e and s, that's all.

BTW Ass, I like ten points that you have written.




7. hange
1.  "estability" is e-stability like #6 mentioned above OR
2.. "estability" is the Nepali way of pronouncing "stability" much like we pronounce "school" by saying "eeeschool". :)


8. reb batsa
estability is establishing stability

9. Khurafati
P. P & P Jheli Nath is right to his statement. An agreement always need witness from both side. another characteristic is it should be law full . Hence it may be proposal. Further more it should not harm any one but the peace of Nepal will be always under threat if separate wing of PLA exist.Jay ho Pandit Jheli Nath?


10. who cares
regarding the secret 7 pt agreement:


hey, UMLaes, you have got loose rats running around in your party.

remember, to catch rats, you gonna need a cat, a lion wont do it. 




11. Gorknath
These whole team really by birth gentlemen,but when they come to contact of modern school , college and University : get ill educated and develop amateur
theories and trap in this circumstances.They think their parents and forefathers might have had borrowed mind from asses and create peaceful nation. But they have invented easy way for revival with dialogues, meetings and no need to work hard. All flourishing since nearly two decades.Only those who follow them as leaders suffer.Now Khuva of asses can be seen in sigh darwar or CA hall.


12. Prakash Bhattarai
Tourism for Prosperity..Prosperity for Estability... Why Knot under da bottom of my body that would read ass "Turism poor Osperity, Sperity for Ability"


13. PKB

Hard to understand why PM JN is off to Cambodia for 'peace talks' with Jhusil and Chairman Tremendous mediated by Comrade Hun Sen. What can they say in Siem Reap that they can't in Simara? One way to salvage the trip would be for PKD to visit Tuol Sleng, and sit in at the Khmer Rouge war crimes trial as an observer.

Let us go and visit The Killing Fields.....Write or Rung ? :))))


14. Brad
11. Use the darkness to make more and more babies so that Angelina and I can adopt.

15. Devi-Prasad
Dear Ass
Slapping not enough for P. khainol back kik by you is urgent. he is now falsification by declaring indirectly his deputy is winner of CA election." note he speak he will not take any won in his cabinet." IS Adhikari his finance Manager. (FM).again misfortune for Nation ?


16. Bhaju Ram Shrestha

Kudos to us Nepalese who still have some sense of being a sane. We all should get a Nobel Peace Price for being able to live with the AIDS (Acquired interpersonalrelationship dificiency syndrome) among leaders that is pushing us into the dark age.

Bhaju Ram Shrestha, bhajupurna@gmail.com



17. Jesse Brandt

For another example of Nepal as a "fine" country, pls.see the signs posted on the footpath starting after the bus turnout at the 'mighty ghar' turning off airport road as you move towards Bagmati bridge.  If I could figure out how to send you a photo I would.   



18. DHOBI
My friends,
I have lost two handsome assess at indo-nepal boarder may have visited kathmandu valley ,please send back home if any one see them , you will be awarded.


LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


ADVERTISEMENT









himalkhabar.com            

NEPALI TIMES IS A PUBLICATION OF HIMALMEDIA PRIVATE LIMITED | ABOUT US | ADVERTISE | SUBSCRIPTION | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS OF USE | CONTACT