A lot of naysayers have been criticising Makunay for putting up Nepal's candidature for the post of General Assembly president when it is pretty well known that the Qataris have already invested millions and that their Plenipotentiary in New York is well on his way to bag the coveted post. But what the heck, Nepal thought, let's try to convince Qatar to pull out of the race and get our Cool Man in there. It's a risky plan, but it may just work if we can threaten to pull out all 500,000 Nepali workers from Doha if they don't agree. We have the Qataris by their gonads.

***

It's also brilliant timing to get the Army Chief to speak out against UNMIN. An army that is so dependent on the UN's DPKO for extra pocket money for its soldiers, and core funding for the Army Wives Welfare Fun, should campaign harder so the UN blacklists NA and it is then forced to implement the Security Sector Reform and downsize men-under-arms.

***

So, with the new arch at the airport, we are now fully prepared for Visti Nepal Year 2011 (see pic by unknown artist, above) . Never one to skip a junket, MKN is off to NY for the MDG session on 17 Sep. But then he has to go back on the 28th for his GA speech, so what to do in the meantime? Makunay decided to pack in a visit to Canada as well and wait it out. All in all, it now looks like the PM will be out of the country for the entire second half of September. If you gotta go, you gotta go. Just hope he will still be PM, and there will still be a country when he returns.

***

Comrade Bhayanak, meanwhile, is determined to sabotage Makunay's globetrotting and replace the Caretaker before mid-Sept so as to pull the rug from under Makunay before he sets off to North America. The way he is trying to do this is by getting both Forum factions in his pocket by making them ministerial offers they can't refuse in the new coalition. In separate secret meetings, it looks like Upadro Yadav readily agreed to come back as Foreigner Minister and even Bijay Babu has found the offer of DPM and Home Ministry plus other plum portfolios for his sidekicks too juicy to resist. Looks like it's time for Lainchaur to bring back Uncle Shyam.

Have to hand it to Awesome's sales pitch, he's even convinced Ridesh Tripati to take up the offer of Minister of Information and Communication if he brings his party in on Sunday's vote. But PKD may have a problem on his hands: he has already offered MoIC to Rajabadi Singh for getting assorted Madhesis and the Workers and Peasants Party to defect in the second round. The Ass' unsolicited tip to Awesome: bifurcate the ministeries and give Information to Tripati and Communication to the ex-royal son-in-law. After all, Raja Budder knows too many secrets since he was the one distributing monies to fence-sitters. The man had to hurriedly stash cash worth 9 karod under a bed when the Madhesi Youth stormed the Great Cattle Market at the Sunset View Hotel last month, legend has it. But the Begum did manage to stuff her handbag with as yet unascertained favours.

***

The Jungli Minister's proposal to induct 5,000 of the Cantonment Warriors into a National Park Ranger Force is a brilliant brainwave. The Maobadis will be literally going back to the jungle, and it will be like letting foxes guard the poultry farm. What remains of our rhinos, tigers and crocs will be poached into extinction and the nature sanctuaries can be turned into housing plots.

***

Ass fans have sent in headlines from this week's newspapers, which are all tied for the coveted News of the Week Medal:

'Gyawali Smells a Rat'
'Kangaroo Testicles, Chefs Say Yes'
'Monkey Business in Parliament'
'Natural Orifices Thrill Docs'

Copy editors write to ass(at)nepalitimes.com to claim your prizes.