Like half of Kathmandu, the Ass got up at an ungodly hour this week to head off to Tundikhel. Sitting crosslegged on my hindquarters doing the analom vilom and then kapalbhati while listening to Ram Dev holding forth on geopolitics, it suddenly occurred to the Mule that we should restore the monarchy and make Ram Dev king. "Sita was born in Nepal and Ram was born in India, so Nepal is India's mamaghar," said the godman amidst ripples of applause, "but China is Nepal's kakaghar." Could this be why the big flex poster behind him on the stage that depicted Ram, Sita and Gautam Buddha also had a panorama of Mt Everest, but the north face view from the Chinese side?

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One-time Bollywood bomb Madhuri Dixit once got into trouble for innocently saying on arrival in Kathmandu that she felt Nepal was "like India". But this week Ram Dev went a step further and said "Nepal aur Bharat ke janata ek hai" and no one raised an eyebrow, there were no angry editorials. His Holiness went on to talk about Nepal's hydropower potential and how it could eradicate loadshedding and hypertension from Nepal forever. Such pearls of wisdom convince me the guru is by far the most popular public figure in Nepal today. He seems to know his stuff, and even Ram Baran looked up to Ram Dev to pay his respects. Since all our so-called leaders seek his blessings, why not make him the supreme leader and get it over with?

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By now, Chairman Awesome seems to have realised that he shoots himself in the foot every time he opens his mouth. Just the other day he was warming up to his favourite subject ("no constitution until we come to power") when he paused and said: "I'll stop there because I have been warned not to talk too much �" But when he got onstage with Ram Dev this week, he got so carried away again that he babbled on about how his revolution actually was a "fusion between spiritualism and dialectic materialism". He also said he agreed with Ram Dev that animal sacrifice was barbaric, but that (under certain objective conditions) human sacrifice was ok. And he had just started waxing eloquent on how yoga was an inherent part of Mao Thought when the crowd started heckling him. Comrade Stupendousness was oblivious to the hooting, so Ram Dev came to the rescue and sent the Chairman down to practice diaphragm exercises and to explosively expel air through his leftist nostril.

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The reason Comandante Terrifico seems to be hooked to the opiate of the masses is that he is losing his edge against arch-rival Laldhoj in an internal power struggle. PKD told UML honchos the other day not to trust BRB because he was RAW. Com Red Flag emerged much stronger after Kamred Kiran sided with him on not going for a vote of no confidence against the govt now. Being much better in maths since his SLC days, Baburam Sir knows his party could never muster enough votes. Besides, he thinks the UML-led coalition will get all the blame for not finishing the constitution on time if it stays on till May 28. The pro-Baburam section of the Baddie media have unleashed uncharacteristically blistering attacks on Brother Number One, and BRB himself wrote in an op-ed (choosing his words carefully) that getting into government now without a two-thirds majority would be "awesome stupidity".

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The newly-revamped Maoist website is worth a visit (www.ucpnm.org) because it has the latest updates, central committee decisions and even a streaming video of the Chairman's speeches, minus the Shaktikhor tape. It will soon carry the new constitution drafted by Com Khimlal Dev-quota, to be launched at the May Day rally. The site also contains the address of the party headquarters at 'Perish Danda'.

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If you are a Tamang from Nepal with 'Lama' as a surname, be prepared to be singled out at immigration in Shanghai for special interrogation. Apparently those guys think you are all related to HH, The Dalai.

ass(at)nepalitimes.com