Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
Placating the planets

ASS


None of you who watched on tv the Suzie Jost vs Moonlight Lohani squabble in the Public Accounts Committee in parliament the other day now has any reason to complain about our politics. This was audiovisual entertainment at its very best. "Am I your secretary? Am I your PA," thundered Lohani. The reference was to SuzyQ's assistant, who has admitted to selling Nepali passports to Afghans. Now that parliament has got into the act you can bet your left ass that we are not going to have MRPs by the ICAO April deadline.

***

Every political party in this country is split between a disgruntled faction and a gruntled faction, so it is now going to be even more difficult to resolve the political deadlock. You may, for example, get the Baddies and the Kangresis to smoke the peace pipe, but the very next day the gruntled faction in the NC is going to practice wushu on the GP & Dotter faction, or vice versa. The Old Fox, it is now apparent, is harassing the UML-led govt so he can get the Baddies to get him to power. But it's not true Girjau wants the prime minister's chair. He actually wants the prime minister's bed.

***

When the king went off on state visits in a royal cavalcade the whole city used to grind to a halt, and it used to be a national holiday. We hear the cabinet (for old time's sake) nearly passed an edict to declare the president's departure date a holiday and order a 18-gun salute, but Shit All Nibas vetoed the idea. Radio Nepal has restarted the Panchayati tradition of informing listeners in its morning news bulletins that PM Nepal has felicitated the King of Tonga on his auspicious birthday.

***

The parallels with Animal Farm are getting a bit uncanny. The whiff of Farmer Jones is strongest with Chairman Awesomeness who has gone from atheist to agnostic to a full-blown fundo. First, he visits jyotisis in Sunsari who put the fear of god into him by warning him that his Saturn is totally off whack. To placate the planets, they advised him to worship a she-water buffalo, which he promptly does. Quizzed about this by local reporters, Fearsome's soundbite is our quote of the week: "I have discovered that astrology is very scientific. This country needs a fusion of spiritualism and materialism."

***

Nepal's leaders have always fallen over themselves to seek the blessings of Indian godmen. Which is why Prez Ram Baron helicoptered to Haridwar to touch the feet of Pilot Baba. And when Chandra Swami came to Kathmandu for Shivaratri, it wasn't suprising that the ex-king, ex-PMs and the current PM all trooped off to the Everest Hotel to have their futures foretold. What was a little surprising was that Comrade Fabulous was among them, but a lot more surprising was what that he confessed to Chandra Swami: "Baba, it was a mistake to declare Nepal a secular state, and we haven't done enough homework on federalism." Now he tells us.

***

Nepal's problems can be summarised in a nutshell: Our socialists are anti-social and our communists are communal.

ass(at)nepalitimes.com



1. jange
"Baba, it was a mistake to declare Nepal a secular state, and we haven't done enough homework on federalism." Now he tells us. And you all rooted for him until he put the boot into you too!!


2. Patriot
jange - you dont get it. there was a need for federalism and secularism besides many other progressive changes, which the Maoists only exploited. now that they cant put the genie back they may regret it privately. point is, even if they hadn't take up these issues, someone would have and gained the prominence Maoists enjoy today. Maoists were only a vehicle for this pent up demand. hence the premise of your argument is utterly wrong!

3. Sujan
Hehe!
Sandwiched news.... this week....
End of  Finished Story....
As we are all sandwiched between yesterday and tomorrow....
Like Neplu is sandwiched between Indu and Chindu....
Like a globe sandwiched between North Pole and South Pole....
Aim @ Goal, Goal @ Peace
Fishing without a Bait, this must be faith
Copy right, Copy left and Copy tight....
Head to Heart entangled in Kantha...
Father and son got Tie-One.... sharing since generation unknown.....
Critical revolution in the spiritualism......
Dr. and Cr., dancing Hip Hop in materialism....
Bye bye Problem, Seriousness @ Solu-Son
Trust in the Press..... face is compressed.....
Aren't we tired of poverty......???
Dreaming boost in the economy.......
NC is a mix sandwich between $,


4. Anuj
"Don't ever let me go.." Mr. Dixit, I didn't get a clue what are you trying to indicate with this phrase!

5. Anonymous
Epidemiologists tell us that laughter is contagious, and this is all the more reason that we must stop this nonsense of breaking into fits of laughter at every tiny excuse. Remember: laughter spreads by word of mouth. So, every time you feel like chortling in public, spare a thought for all the innocent bystanders who will be inadvertently infected. This is why, however amused we may be, we must suppress our urge to laugh at least until such time as an all-clear is sounded and we know that the country's current crisis has passed. You, at the back in the Groucho mask, what are you sniggering at?

I still look back at the Under My Hat columns, I don't think any news weekly displays this sense of humour every week. The Ass too is funny, but not quite there.


6. dhyanshree

my loved country nepal needs to walk shoulder to shoulder whether they touch feets or not...all grt saints have been blessed by this land only...i appeal youth of nepal to start campaign against depression as nepal needs it too much..if u will invite i will be there..

www.mahayogindia.org



7. Saroj
I'LL KISS THE ASS FOR THIS COMMENT:
"Our socialists are anti-social and our communists are communal."

MWAAAAAAAH!!


8. C.Venkataramanaiah
This comment has been removed by the moderator.

LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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