What is the appropriate response when a man that you've been exchanging meaningful glances and light banter with all evening fills a pause in a conversation with "ani... ke chha?" This has happened on more than one occasion, and I'm beginning to wonder if this is some Kathmandu male-testing-the-waters question. Am I meant to respond with "[husband/boyfriend/empty apartment/other noun] chha/chhaina" to signal my willingness or unwillingness to proceed?

-Ke Bhanne

Dear Ke Bhanne,
You raise an interesting question and one that Auntie has had some years to ponder over. Clearly, if you are over 15, the answer is not "akas nilo chha" or "timro pyant chus chha". If the question is asked looking straight at you with a mild expression, you can get away with a polite smile and no answer (as in, an ambiguous "if you have to ask." look). As with all such things, often it comes down to the eyebrows. If you get a distinct wiggle of the eyebrows, the man wants a simple answer: "kei chhaina", "gharma buda kurira chha", or the opposite. Now any man who wiggles his eyebrows at you is probably a short step away from leering, but sometimes we cannot be choosy.

Matters get complicated when a questioner mutters the dreaded phrase with a Genuinely Nice SmileT. If you simper, you might be answering a question you have not really even been asked. If, on the other hand, your retort is a stony look, you might be shutting off forever the fountains of love that lie behind a socially-inept exterior. The best course of action is to ask the question back. He'll ask it back again. So will you. Both of you will try on different expressions each time, and after a while you'll lose track of what it is you want to know and just keep on in an endless loop, and your throats will be parched and you'll want to throw heavy things at his head, and you still won't know what it's all about. Then, in the best tradition of Katharine Hepburn-Spencer Tracy films, you'll find this whole exchange terribly sexy and get together. Unlike the films, this will end badly. Why, yes, Auntie does speak from experience.

On a recent naughty weekend to Nagarkot, my girlfriend and I realised that the hotel we were in had amazing acoustics. We overheard a number of things revealing specific and rather strange preferences from the adjacent room. Imagine our mortification when we realised that the loud couple are from our close social circle. Now not only am I worried I'll never be able to look them in the eye when we meet again (which is sure to be soon), but my partner is expressing an excessive interest in duplicating their activities. Am I being too prudish?

-Don't wanna know

Dear Don't wanna know,
The answer is yes. Prudishness and prurience share more than just the first syllable, you know. Such judgmental 'questions' sound like that arch-conservative self-righteous man who every young woman in the vicinity knows is a groping ogler. Do you really want to be like the gossip who spreads malicious rumours in the guise of helpfully warning neighbours about immoral elements in their midst? The gleaming eyes and spittle-flecked lips are a dead giveaway. Auntie says let he who has never had a 'naughty weekend' cast the first stone. Let it go. As for what your partner wants: if the idea doesn't endanger your life, why not give it a shot? You know you want to.

How does a girl in Kathmandu get some simple lovin' when every man seems hell bent on fulfilling mummy's dreams of a daughter-in-law? Recently I thought all my prayers had been answered when I began seeing a man who my friends had warned me against. This one, I was sure, wouldn't have gentlemanly ambitions of making an honest woman of me. Two weeks later, he wanted me to meet his family. Where have all the good cads gone?

-Louche Lady

Dear LL,
You cut through right to the heart of the matter. The boys are so used to behaving in this manner, I suspect it threatens them to see a woman do it. Any woman who does not want to automatically cuddle right after, or who treats them the way they've often treated the ladies becomes a mission that must be accomplished. It's a little humiliating to be used casually by the kind of intelligent, witty, and ravishing woman you doubtless are. The men are skilled tacticians trying to kill with kindness. Treat invitations to take tea with the grannies as a test. If you fall into the trap, they get their chance to behave as they often wish to, and you may as well have insisted on snuggling and baby talk right at the outset. Hold firm to your principles, and if your cad is a true bounder, as they were back in the day, you can establish a fulfilling short- to medium term relationship for some simple lovin'.

PS - Consider changing your initials to stand for Love'Em Leave'Em.

Auntie offers advice and wake-up calls on all kinds of grown-up problems: sticky office issues, messy relationships, bad habits, crises of creativity, ennui.
auntie@nepalitimes.com.