Despite all the efforts emergency personnel have taken on a war-footing these days to ensure everyone sings hosannas, there are still some naysayers out there who are moaning and groaning. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Here we are, trying to liberate the public from having to listen to boring FM discussions that used to go on forever and forcing them to broadcast 24-hour music and the nabobs of negativism aren't satisfied with the song selection. We got rid of those irritating mobile phones that always got cut off in mid-conversation, and the fusspots want their darling little vibrators back. Pampered brats! Let\'s spank them.

We started collecting garbage at 8PM and now the neighbourhood dingo pack is complaining that we have deprived them of their midnight snack. We patched the potholes along the main thoroughfares and shopkeepers are now whining about speeding motorcycles. We made Sunday a working day to make the workforce more productive and they want democracy reinstated. You give them an arm, and they want a leg.

Complain, complain, complain, that's all they ever did around here. That's why we had to threaten editors to make them shut up, and now they're complaining that they can't complain anymore. I'll tell you what was wrong with this country: there were just too many civilian liberties. How soothing it has been for the past two months not to have to listen to the media telling us how bad things are. Now we can pretend everything is hunkydory in the boondocks. What a relief we can't hear the grumbling, it was getting unbearable.

One thing us yesmen are definitely not complaining about these days is the ban on mobile phones. An average Nepali used to spend two hours on theirs cells every day, multiplied by the number of users all over the country we have already saved 13.2 million manhours (which is equivalent to 5 million horsepowers in the metric system) to be channeled into much more productive activities such as re-registering everything in sight.

Now that the UTL and mobile phone users have re-registered, why stop at that? As long as we are at it let's re-register the whole darn country. Let's re-apply for membership of the United Nations, the Non-maligned Movement and the group of Last-but-not-Least Developed Countries.

Every Nepali will henceforth have to re-register to prove that he or she is indeed of a woman born. This will require them to obtain new birth certificates that puts it all down in writing that they were reincarnated as Nepalis in their present life. That should prove beyond doubt that all of us are really here in time and space and not in a parallel universe.

The next step is to re-register all marriages. For national security reasons, all Nepalis of reproductive age and above are hereby required to get married all over again, renew their marriage vows and get new marriage certificates. (Those born out of wedlock must get their parents married first before they themselves tie the knot.) It has also come to our notice that many Nepali males are illegally cohabiting with members of other sexes without a proper license. Those with two or more spouses will have to remarry them all individually again and get re-certification in triplicate duly notarised by a first class gazetted officer.

Then there is the pesky issue of death. All those who have died in the past year, please go to the Ministry of Vital Statistics and get your death re-registered. Sunday is now a working day at the ministry.

I am sure that with these elaborate security safeguards in place we can all collectively look forward to a bright and secure future as a nation and people.