Over the years, we media watchdogs have watched with growing alarm the erosion of journalistic values in this country as the fourth estate abandons its hallowed principles and becomes obsessed with mammon and mammaries.

To make matters worse, certain lazy young reporters who have requested anonymity because they are ashamed to call themselves mediapersons still insist on just reporting the facts and leave out all their bigotry, prejudice and preconceived notions.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned bias? Where is the editorialising? If journalists don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to what they believe in and back that up with views masquerading as news then I'm afraid I consider it a shame to any longer remain in this profession.

After all, our readers do not need dialysis, they need analysis. They need it every day and the only people who can administer the suppository are our registered armchair analysts who are officially certified to pontificate on any subject under the sun.

Today's young journalists think opinion is only for the opinion pages. What rubbish. Journalism schools should start teaching students that their job is not just to report facts but to bend them. In fact, facts should never be allowed to get in the way of a good argument, especially if that argument coincides with our own. But alas, standards are slipping and ultimately it is you, our valued clients, who end up being shortchanged.

So, to make up for letting you down we in the media are giving you a totally unobjective rundown of the week's events. (Editor's note: the opinions expressed in these snippets of news are the reporter's own and in no way reflect the prevailing situation in the country.)

Deuba released again
BY OUR JAIL BIRD

Ex-ex-ex-prime minister Sher Bahadur Deuba was released from detention Monday and it is our considered opinion that he should be made prime minister once more. The man deserves it.

It is this correspondent's neutral and unbiased opinion that Deuba has more experience than most other politicians and would be the ideal candidate. "After all, he has made all the mistakes he can possibly make and it is likely he will make them again, so at least with him we know what we are getting," this correspondent said to himself aloud in the course of reporting this objective bit of news.

And if you don't agree with me, you can stuff it.

Prachanda grants yet another interview
BY AN UNDERGROUND ANALYST

Comrade Awesome has granted a record-breaking 157th interview this week to the Kiribati Chroncile thus making him the most interviewed public figure after Manisha Koirala.

The Maoist supremacist has now covered nearly all the countries and territories in the world with Sao Principe and Tome Daily News and the Galapagos Gazette among the latest papers to interview him. "Now we need to get into the backlog of interview requests from papers in sub-Saharan Africa," said a subterranean spokesperson speaking from an undisclosed hideout in India.

A request by Larry King for an interview, however, was turned down since his surname means he could have a royalist bias.