This week we take a look at real headlines from the Nepali media, and follow them up with unreal news items below them, like:

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Boxing Declared National Game
The National Kick-Boxing Knockout Tournament got underway at the Bhrikuti Mandap last week with the first round of bouts at the Maoist Party Plenum that left two players severely injured.

Inaugurating the championships, the Minister of Unsportmanlike Behaviour and Irrigation said that at a time when there was a Boxer Rebellion going on in the country the game was a great way to pass time, and added: "Despite prolonged political deadlock, kick-boxing is an appropriate game for Nepal and with proper training our politicians could even make it to the Winter Olympics in Russia in two years."

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Miss Canine Crowned BY A NEWS HOUND

Not to be outdone by the plethora of human beauty contests, Kathmandu's canine population held its own Mr and Mrs Dog pageant this week.Contestants were judged in the Hottest Dog, Dog-Eat-Dog, Best Son-of-a-Bitch and Most Photogenic Tail-between-the-Legs categories.

Pukuli, a six-year-old mongrel bitch was crowned Miss Canine Nepal, and won the pageant for the best answer in the interview round in which a judge asked her whether she was optimistic about Nepal's future. Her winning reply: "We have a bright future ahead of us. I read in the papers today that the country is going to the dogs."

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Cannabis Farming in Parsa Reaches All-time High
Simara-Excuse me, oijdf if I can't seem dkjf to type this jdf in straight;.[? , but it gives me great pleasure to ;ljklkjoi report that ganja harvests kdjf this year in Parsa was goooood, yar. "Yup, this is good sh%& and there's lots more where that came from," said a notoriously reliable source who was also stoned out of his %$#@ mind and didn't want his name disclosed.

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Flesh Trade Mushrooming
As the living standard of the Valley's middle class rises, so has demand on the flesh trade, according to Hoof and Mouth Pvt Ltd, meat packing wholesaler at Kalanki. The same, however, couldn't be said of the mushroom industry which according to latest figures has not been mushrooming at all.

Vegetable Farming Yields Fruit
Farmers in Dhading have been astounded this week by the fact that their tomato fields have yielded a bumper harvest of oranges. "I think this proves once and for all that the tomato is actually a fruit," stated one farmer.

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New holidays announced
The Gubberment of Nepal has brought out a new list of nationalistic holidays for the Fiscal Year 2069/2070 that will take into account days that have symbolic cosmic significance.

All solar and lunar eclipses, comet passages, Leonid showers, meteorite strikes and collisions with asteroids will henceforth be commemorated with nationwide (and in some cases planetwide shutdowns). All Super Novae will be declared holidays retroactively since it would take two billion years for light from the distant explosions in the Andromeda Galaxy to get to us. The activities of all heavenly bodies will be strictly monitored by a special Celestial Committee, and the sun and moon will henceforth be under added surveillance since they are also depicted on our national flag.

"The Gregorian Calendar is not suitable for Maoist Federal Democratic Republics like Nepal," said the Astrologer General in an interview, "that is why we have decided to follow the Lunatic Calendar."

Mountain Goats To Get Transit Visas
Thousands of mountain goats have already started lining up for their visas on the Tibetan Plateau for their annual two-month trek to enter Nepal for the Dasain festivities. They have finally been granted one-way transit visas by the Nepali Consulate in Lhasa, the Department of Livestock and Immigration at the Ministry of Animals announced today.
"They wanted multiple entry-tourist visas, but we were convinced they had no intention of returning to Tibet, so we gave them one-way entry permits gratis and threw in a free medical checkup," said an official in the Alien Goats Registry at the Department.

The first mountain goat to cross the border on International Tourism Day will be garlanded, given a Nepali topi and taken around town in a caparisoned elephant before being led off to be decapitated.

Other great headlines:
Man Renews Passport Before Expiry
Wild Elephant Injures Farmer
with Axe
Two Trucks Collide, One Hurt

(Regurgitated from Under My Hat)