By joining the Maoists en masse the other day and giving Chairman Awesome the red salute, Kollywood actors showed that they all deserve Oscars in the Best-Supporting Actor role. They played their parts so well, we never guessed they were unreformed mandalays all along. This is a personal victory for Awe-inspiring, who is on record as saying in interviews even while underground that he liked watching movies. Just like the pot boilers that Nepali actors play in, we can now tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys. The only question is which will be the next profession to swear allegiance to the red flag: Pashupati's priests, Thamel's masseurs or us hacks?
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The mass conversion to Maoism has led to speculation that a semi-autobiographical movie about Fearsome the Great (to be called Prachanda Path) is in the works with the lead role being played by the man himself. All those years he hung around Noida catching the matinee shows must have rubbed off on Ferocious. On the other hand, if the kangresis could make a movie about Ganeshman Uncle and the UML a feature film on Comrade Madan Bhandari, nothing wrong with a three-hour musical extolling the heroism of Comrade Shock and Awe. Guess the only diff is that Ganesh Man and Madan Dai were already dead when the films about them were made.
When things get a bit too stressful, Ferocious has the habit of putting on the disappearing act. He went to Sanga last time and made his decision to resign over a bottle of dry white Australian. Last week when both the meteorological and political heat got too much to bear he sped off to the cool climes of Daman where his krantikari union has closed down the only good hotel there. This weekend, the Chairman was grilled so hard by fellow-comrades at the Politburo meeting that he scooted off to Narayangad. However much he tried to keep the visit a secret, the word spread and pretty soon the entire Chitwan press corps had descended upon the Hotel Royal Century. The irony of the choice of hotel seems to have been lost on the comrades.
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As far as the international press is concerned, nothing of importance ever seems to happen in Nepal these days. How many times can the wire services file a story that the rostrum is still being gheraoed in parliament? What's new about yet another highway blockade, or how many different ways can you write about a kidnapping? Luckily for the world media, there was an item of news to break the monotony this week: the decision by the Ministry of Uncivil Aviation to make baggage handlers at Gauchar wear trousers without pockets because they were in the habit of slashing open checked-in luggage to partake of their contents. This will send a very positive message all over the world about our country ahead of the Visit Nepal Year 2011, that we are serious about cracking down on crime.
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All well and good about putting ants in the pants of baggage handlers, but who is going to tackle the cops at the airport security check? How do you prevent them from going through your wallet and pocketing suspicious-looking $20 bills that they deem to be a national security threat? Taking the pockets out of their trousers ain't gonna stop the cops from demanding ghoosh, or the immigration chaps from stopping Nepalis at random to extort the living daylights out of them. More drastic action is called for, viz: they need to be stripped and made to work in their birthday suits. Only if they are stark raving naked can we be sure they haven't stolen anything from us.
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The Ass' solution to the political stalemate is simple: let Com Baburam lead a new govt of national unity. Makunay can step aside, since he has served his purpose. As Finance Minister, Laldhoj pumped in Rs 30 billion into the national coffers. One thing we can be sure of, at least this man won't stash cash in his own trousers, even if it has pockets.
ass(at)nepalitimes.com
