From what the Ass has been able to piece together, here is a blow-by-blow account of the fast-paced events of this past week in which the Maoists double-crossed the UML, the UML double-crossed the Maoists and the MJF tripled-crossed everyone else.

Wednesday afternoon: JN and PKD still aren't able to reach an agreement. Out of sheer exasperation, PKD says ok, time is running out, we can accept Makunay as president. Jhallu thinks, hey that was easy, and immediately also demands Defence and Home Ministry as part of a package deal. Unbeknownst to the Eh-males, the Baddies have been working all along on Plan B with the Madhesis.

Thursday evening, Jhallu, Makunay and other sidekick comrades attend a dinner at the Chinese Embassy at which they are patted on their backs for forging Bam Ekata. The Chinese are said to prefer a united left that will be called just 'Communist Party of Nepal' so the Great Helmsman's name will be forever jettisoned.

Dinner over, the comrades hurry over to Pistachio Palace to meet PKD but are kept waiting for half-an-hour cuz he's meeting his handler. Finally, a white-haired guy emerges from El Supremo's bedroom, hiding his face behind the lapel of a trench coat. PKD comes out in his night suit, but has suddenly gone cold on the deal.

Thursday morning, Jhallu calls Pukada to say he ain't insisting on the ministries, but it's too late. The Baddies announce a talmel with the Forum and back ex-terrorista Raja Ram for president. Makunay's hypertension acts up, Jhallu goes into shock and colleagues see steam coming out of his ears. Then the Forum drops its bombshell by dumping the Baddies to form an alliance with the UML and NC. Now, it is the turn of Pukada's ears for steam to come out of. With everyone stabbing everyone else in the back, the Baddies are too busy to do their math and therefore lose the runoff vote in the assembly.

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So badly does Giprako want to exact revenge on Pukada for refusing to hand him the presidency he overcomes his own ambition and actually agrees to field a kangresi candidate other than himself. Thursday morning he summons Ram Chandra Poudel, Ram Sharan Mahat and Ram Baran Yadav and asks: "Which of you three Rams wants to be president?" Ram Chandra and Ram Sharan, being political animules, say "maybe next time". Girjau then forces Ram Baran to volunteer, figuring that since the other Ram has Baddie backing, he has as much chance as a snow flake in hell to get elected. The rest, as they say, is historical. Moral of the story to UML, NC, MJF and the Maoists: shit happens.

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Meanwhile, in Buddhanagar, the split in the Baddies got worse when Mohan Sir, Netra Dai & Co noticed nefarious foreign spooks infiltrating their party. By midweek things get so bad that the Biplab and the Baburam factions have a fistfight in Birganj, one accusing the other of being Injun stooges. The hardline faction that has control over the party mouthpiece, Janadesh, writes thinly veiled attacks against foreign conspirators and their lackeys.

No sooner had the Maoists said they won't lead a new govt, Giprako's sagging ambition suddenly perks up at the prospect of being PM again. The Forum also stakes its claim to PM-ship if the Maoists decline: imagine President Yadav and Prime Minister Yadav. They will have to toss a coin about which one should attend the SHARK summit.

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It looks like the Nepal police mutiny is spreading to Singapore. A dozen Nepali nationals in the Singapore Police have already been deported for daring to question the salary discrepancy with farang cops. The Singaporeans promptly deported the lot. Maybe that's why they call Singapore a "police state"?

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And the winning entry for this week's New Name Contest comes from Anonymous via email: 'If Kantipur is bought over by the Maoists, they will call it Krantipur.'

Entries to the New Name Contest: ass(at)nepalitimes.com