Alot of you confused readers have written to the Ass asking it to explain what the next government is going to be like, how it is going to be formed and who'll lead it. To all of you, the donkey has one simple answer: I'm an Ass, not an asstrologer.
Seriously, how on earth can an anal-ist make head or tail of what is going on in this country? That is why this week the Ass has laid out the permutations and combinations of all possible forthcoming scenarios:
. Chairman Dahal becomes both head of state and head of government
.PKD is head of state and BRB is head of government
. BRB is head of state and PKD is head of government
. Girija Koirala is ceremonial president and Lotus Flower is executive premier
. Ram Raja is head of state and PKD is PM
. Awesome is prime minister and Laldhoj is bumped off to head the National Planning Commission
. The Fierce One moves into Naryanhiti and becomes
. king King G becomes president
. Ass is appointed Rastriya Pramuk and his ass-istant made Upa-pramuk
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If Comrade Fearsome and Comrade Red Flag can be seen on television attending a prayer ceremony at the Marwari Brahman Society on the occasion of Parsuram Day this week then it means the godless Maoists have now indeed turned over a new leaf. Indian godman Satichananda apparently told the congregation kingji was an "evil Chhetri" and The Fierce One was a true Parsuram avatar. Atheists PKD and BRB looked pretty silly with their marigold garlands, but they must have been happy with the liberation theologian guru dude.
If the comrades can meet the American ambassador, then guess it wasn't such a big deal that they went to meet god. And therefore it would also not be too far-fetched to expect Comrade P to meet King G sometime in the near future to strike a deal? In fact, rumour has it negotiations are already underway to facilitate a graceful exit for His Majesty in return for security guarantees and non-confiscation of royal assets. The two are already bound by their common loathing for the other parties.
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There is also unprecedented chumminess between Chairman Sa'b and the Chief Sa'b. The two seem to have hit it off surprisingly well, according to unusually well-informed sources. The Maoists seem to be keen to disband the inmates of the cantonments by July so as not to give any excuse for UNMIN to stay on. The Indians, who also want UNMIN to pack up and leave, have therefore agreed to bankroll the rehab of all 30,000 in the camps.
The Maoists are negotiating for a few high-profile commanders to be inducted into the Nepal Army and that is as far as integration is going to go.
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Just what exactly do the Maoists mean by a "mixed economy" under "bourgeois capitalism" is what businessmen want to know, but they're not getting a clear answer despite inviting the chairman and ideologue to their meetings. The comradely duo also seems to be getting tired of answering these questions. Asked to spell out what exactly would be Maoist policy on business, BRB told a gathering this week Nepal would have a "Prachanda Economy". An awesome economy? And economy a la Prachanda Path? A fierce economy?
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Then there remains the pesky problem of what to do with the young commies, who are now behaving exactly like Alsatians in Animal Farm. The cute little puppies that Napoleon reared are getting difficult to control and are eroding the comrades' bargaining position vis-?-vis the parties and the Americans. So, the leadership has decided to allow the Young Gandhian League to help the police in traffic management and in other development activities. How exactly is the YCL going to deal with traffic violators: on-the-spot public caning with a bamboo lathhi of those who run red lights?
The NC, despite its election symbol being Tree, did nothing to replant the stately eucalyptuses that kingji chopped down all over Kathmandu in 2005, so maybe the league of young communist conservationists should be unleashed to do the replanting in Pulchok and Baluwatar.
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Now deprived of their own ethnic autonomous province, Bahuns and Chhetris and Thakuris have formed the Khas Liberation Front and held their first convention in Samakhusi the other day. The only problem with the name "Khas" is that its adjective is "Khasi".
ass(at)nepalitimes.com
