Just as the Ass feared all along, Richard Gere is in town. Having witnessed this man's osculatory prowess, it is surprising the immigration office allowed him into the country. Now that he's here, the government should issue a restraining order banning him from coming within 35 metres of our very own Shitasma Chand. But the real casualty from Gere molesting Shilpa Shetty in broad daylight in New Delhi this week wasn't the slur on Indian womanhood, but the Free Tibet Movement which may now need another mascot.

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Ironies abound as the Maoists enter government. Kingji is still in Narayanhiti and the ex-guerrillas are in government this makes Nepal the world's only Maoist monarchy. Minister Deb Gurung has a Nepal Army bodyguard in addition to his own Maoist security. Since we have a parallel government and Maoist ministers have two bodyguards, does this mean Home Minister Krishna Sitaula will also demand a Maoist bodyguard to complement his army security?

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Having Matrika Yadav as Forest Minister is like assigning an ass to guard the haystack. In the week when his cadre was invading community forests across the tarai, Minister Yadav was up on the podium in Kathmandu inaugurating a conference on tiger conservation with a speech that focussed on habitat destruction. It was perhaps to distract attention from all this that Yadavbabu went off on a tangent at a cabinet meeting Wednesday accusing the army of cutting down trees in Shivapuri.

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Comrade Yummy who was partly responsible for blowing up bridges, booby trapping highways and demolishing telecom towers in the past 11 years is now Minister of Physical Planning and Infrastructure. See how much harder it is to build than to destroy?

Everyone knew the Maoists were engaged in bikenapping and carnapping during their revolution, but what we didn't know was that it went right to the top. So, the Nissan Patrol that His Fierceness was driving around the country in the past year was actually stolen and they'd changed the number plates and replaced the Blue Book with a Red Book. And what was El Supremo Uno listening to during long drives? Not the Collected Works of Mao Zedong on audio tapes, but Bima Kumari Dura's Dohori Album and Nima Rumba's Greatest Hits.

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But you have to hand it to the comrades, they have taken the country by storm with the release of war movies on VCD, you have a pick of Beni Akraman, Mechi Ambush, or Gajuri Bhidanta-all actual footage taken during past battles. And the way 'historical novels' like Raktakunda and Pardaphas are selling like hot cakes and helping the republican campaign for elections, one shouldn't be surprised if their next novel will be Bhandaphor.

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Pity the YCL guys who have the misfortune to be posted on the banks of the Bagmati at Kopundole. Given the increment in excrement flowing into Kathmandu's holy sewer and the ensuing vapours, it's no wonder the police decided not to raid this particular YCL outpost last week, presuming, the Ass supposes, that the comrades had all fainted. So the young baddies have taken matters into their own hands and have decided to clean up the Bagmati. How exactly they are going to do that is a closely guarded military secret.

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