We have been at battle stations keeping a watch on the tournament for vacant ambassadorships. There is nothing new to report since our last update on the issue three weeks ago, other than to say that the candidates have now entered the semi-final round. Competition is fierce, hand-to-hand combat has been reported.

Parliament for its part has decided that it will henceforth demand three nominations for each ambassadorial position, and then will take an exam with objective and subjective questions essay questions and also oral exams before deciding which lucky chaps get to be Nepal's emissaries and plenipotentiaries. This has meant all prospective dips are cramming geography, history and arithmetic so they can pass the Iron Gates.

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The UML, NC(D) and NC all had rival ambassadorial candidates for the juiciest spots, viz: Tokyo, London, Washington and New Delhi. This deadlocked the nominations for three months. The disagreement was one of the reasons the NC and NC(D) have a hard time agreeing on unification because some NC(D) hopefuls would probably lose their chance of ambassadorial nominations if the party united.

Nevertheless, at least the NC and the UML have called a truce and decided to divide up the world much in the same way that the Spanish and Portuguese demarcated their spheres of influence in the 17th century. The NC wants New Delhi and Washington, arguing that sending a commie to Washington may not be a brilliant idea and that it can handle Big Brother better than the UML's resident India-bashers. By which token it would mean that the UML could easily get a communist country like China, but don't bet on it. Beijing doesn't want commies either. So Balkhu now wants Tokyo, Berlin, Brussels and (surprise!) Rangoon. UML frontrunners appear to be mostly human rights wallahs.

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The town is abuzz with speculation about what transpired at the Girija-Gyanendra summit the other week. We happened to have a fly on the wall during the hour-long meeting and can report that King G sought Premier G's advice on matters of state. "What should I do?" the king asked. According to the fly, who requested anonymity, the prime minister replied: "Sit tight, Your Majesty, don't do a thing," adding, "tempus omnia curat". Or words to that effect. Time heals everything, and no one should know that better than our prime minister.

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There are several options being considered to untie the current political deadlock. And at risk of sounding like our predecessor, Under My Hat, they are (in no particular order):
1. Make King G president
2. Make Prachanda president
3. Make PM president
4. Make Chandi Dhakal president
5. Make Prachanda king
6. Make Baburam Minister of Urban Planning and Tyre Supplies
7. Make Paras ambassador to North Korea

We also hear Prachanda wants to change his name. It\'s difficult living up to one's awesome reputation and several suggestions come to mind. In the national interest, here are some suggestions: Comrade Awful, Comrade Grey Shirt, Comrade-in-Chief, The Dear One, the Great Leader, Mr Bad Hair Day, Chairman Meet-Me-At-The-Gym. Please tick only one.

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It's obvious that the prolonged ceasefire means the underground Maoist comrades have nothing to do, and the leadership needs to keep the elite commando units occupied with organising tyre fires. Their special taskforce is busy patrolling New Road selling \'tickets\' for Maoist cultural events at Rs 100,000. Wonder if we get a free Coke with that. Others are hitting shops along Lajimpat for up to Rs 1 million.

In Jomsom, tourists have to pay Rs 1,500 as soon as they land to the commissar, and hotel owners there are thinking of closing shop because of extortion. So what is the Federation of Nepali Chamber of Commerce and Industry doing about all this? The President was sitting on the podium with Maoist leaders at a revolutionary trade union convention at Khula Manch. A day previously, the FNCCI head honcho also used the 10-minute time allotted to him during the Indo-Nepal Hydropower Summit to deliver a 20-minute tirade against the media suggesting, among other things, that just as China muzzled the media Nepal should do the same. With businessmen like these, who needs willful defaulters?