Security Beefed Up for Umpteenth Time at TIA
BY AN INSECURE CORRESPONDENT
Responding to a worldwide security alert, the Tribhuban Unintentional Airport has decided to install a pair of mental detectors as an idiot proof measure to prevent passengers from acting smart on planes.

"Some passengers are just too smart for their boots and they are a threat to the safety of fellow-passengers," said an airline source, "we hope to weed them out by giving them a brain scan just after they go through customs and immigration."

The state-of-the-art magnetic resonance mental detectors set off an alarm if cerebral activity of passengers is above the threshold level deemed safe for airline travel. An automatic readout for each passenger alerts security officials with colour-coded alarms.

For example, green means passenger is an idiot and doesn't even need to be frisked. Blue means the guy is of borderline intelligence and needs to fail a further written IQ test before being allowed to board. Amber alerts airport security of a potential smarty pants who needs to be darted with a tranquiliser gun before boarding. And red is for passengers who are too clever by half and can't be allowed on board under any circumstances.

Tests at other airports have shown that airline security can be considerably enhanced if smart alecks are prevented from even getting into the plane. In Kathmandu, this immediately disqualifies all members of the Nepal Intellectual Society and all recipients of awards and plaques from the American Biographical Institute and the Brain Trust. Nepal's past and present rulers don't need to go through mental detectors and can hop on to the cabin directly.

The new screening process augments TIA's ongoing effort to integrate security with a free chest x-ray by a qualified quack for early detection of tuberculosis and other pulmonary ailments. Frisking is also combined with a free physical to rule out early onset of enlarged liver or hernia.

"It's all part of our campaign to improve Nepal's public health," said a non-descript senior security source, himself a nut case, "this way we ensure that passengers are hale and hearty before embarkation, but we can't guarantee they will still be ok when they get off at the other end."

NOC Hits on Great Idea To Keep Fuel Prices Low
FROM OUR OILY ANALYST
Despite world crude prices hitting $85 a barrel, NOC has decided not to raise fuel prices at the gas station by implementing an ingenious method which is a highly classified state secret.

But if you promise not to tell anyone, we can confidentially divulge that the plan entails allowing distributors to mix water in kerosene, kerosene in diesel and diesel in petrol.

"Some people call this adulteration, but we call it price stabilisation," said a source at the Nepal Oil Corruption which is losing Rs30 million a day in subsidies.

Govt Mulls Chobar High Dam
BY AN ELECTRIFIED REPORTER
The seven-party government has given the green light for a hydroelectric dam at Chobar Gorge that will solve Nepal's electricity crisis as well as Kathmandu's uncontrollable urbanisation in one swell foop.

The 200m Chobar High Dam will create a massive reservoir submerging Kathmandu, Patan and Bhaktapur and return the Valley to its pristine pre-historic lakeside ambience. Besides generating 8 billion gigawatt hour of power and removing load-shedding till 2075, the project will also reduce demand by removing Kathmandu Metropolis and the Patan Sub-Metropolitan City from the face of the earth.

Under My Hat Goes Underground
YOU BETTER BELIEVE THIS - ED.
After six years of peddling non-stop nonsense the nation's most-insufferable columnist has been forced to stop writing his column from next week in the interest of good taste and public order.

"It was getting to be a national embarrassment," said a highly-placed government source, "we just couldn't allow it to besmirch the country's image anymore. Nepal's future is now bright."

The author of the aforementioned column was not available for comment, but his publicist said he was on an indefinite pen-down strike until his main demand that people start taking him more seriously is met.