IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
We Apologise to Viewers That We've Had To Poach The Signal For This World Cup Broadcast From Myanmar TV Because ESPN And STAR SPORTS Have Refused To Honour The Decision Of The Honourable Patan Appellate Court For An Interim Stay Order Requiring Them To Not Block The Live Relay Of World Cup Matches To This Cable Network Even Though We Haven't Paid Their Stipulated Fees. We Regret This Inconvenience To Our Valued Customers Which Is Caused Entirely By the Unreasonable Demand of ESPN and STAR SPORTS To Try To Get Us To Actually Pay for Their Service. What Do They Think, That Money Grows on Trees in Nepal or What? Proletariat of the World Unite! You Have Nothing To Lose But Your
World Cup Coverage.
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After watching the Czechs playing the Stripes till three in the morning last night I'm actually writing this week's column in my sleep, so I would appreciate it if you didn't make any loud noises or sudden movements while reading it. But wake me up when this evening's games start.
Is it just me or are some of you also falling asleep while watching the World Cup? This is much more worrying than being unconscious at work. It is an indication that something needs to be done quickly if we are to preserve the interest of Nepalis in football and stop people from flicking their remotes to watch Comrade Prachanda's interview instead.
The problem has always been that there just aren't enough goals in football to maintain viewer interest. There they are, 22 self-important adolescents in ponytails running amok around a field kicking balls for 90 minutes and the score at the end is 0-0 and they shake their hands and go home. Something has to be done quickly before the nation goes into coma.
I have been in email touch with FIFA President Sepp Blatter and after hard bargaining have agreed on a 12-point MoU which has been distilled from my original 157-point demand and a 40-point final ultimatum to make the game of football more thrilling. Here is the gist of our final 8-point agreement:
1. Move the goalposts. In fact, increase their width from 9m at present to 25m so there are more chances of goals being scored. What we want to see are scores like Argentina 73-Serbia 9.
2. Free kicks with their hands. These spoilsports unfairly block hard-earned free kicks with this hands and keep the score down.
3. Don't level the playing field. Incline it at an imperceptible 5 degrees to give the stronger side the advantage of running downhill and scoring more goals.
4. Allow offsides. Strikers will be allowed to hang around the enemy goal post waiting for a long pass, thus making more goals possible.
5. There are just too many stoppages for fouls and misconduct. Players will be allowed to tackle, use Thai-style boxing and Greco-Roman wrestling techniques to bring down enemy players and the referee as well if he doesn't behave himself.
6. God gave us hands. But hands are allowed only for throw-ins. What a waste. Let's grab the ball and hit the ground running.
7. Penalty area will no longer . Defenders setting up a wall to face a free kick near the penalty area will not longer be allowed to protect their crown jewels with their hands. It\'s a disgusting habit.
8. Sack the referee and linesmen. We don't need them, they just slow the game down by stopping play at the slightest excuse. We have democracy now, so let players settle things with fistfights.
