Going to hell isn't as easy as it used to be. There is cutthroat competition for the limited slots available and you have to be really, really wicked if you want to make the grade.

It's not enough anymore to be a wilful defaulter or to pocket fat kickbacks on lethal procurements. Everyone does that these days. No, the benchmark is higher now and all of you out there desirous of spending eternity in purgatory need to show a much greater aptitude for evil than you have so far.

I mean, look at the competition: mass murderers, narco-terrorists, hired assassins and you think you can go to hell just because you scammed the Roads Department?

However, it pains me to say this but global standards for depravity have been slipping in past decades and it's a disgrace. There was a time when we had real pros around like Emperor Bokassa or Papa Doc Duvalier or Augusto Pinochet. Alas, they don't make them like that anymore.

To be sure, Dubya is one helluva guy but he's still a featherweight.

Robert Mugabe shows promise but he has a long way to go. Then there are an assortment of wannabe tin pot dictators around the world (including one in a country that begins with 'B' and ends in 'a', and another whose capital rhymes with zing-bang, and another whose national bird is a BEEEEEEP and national exchequer is BEEEEEEEEEP but looking at the way they are conducting themselves it is obvious they are just amateurs.

So, in order to ensure that only the World's Most Heinous make the grade, Devil's Advocates (Nepal) Pvt Ltd, the firm that is responsible for Mr Satan's legal affairs here on Earth has been contracted to carry out an entrance exam for those who want to pursue their careers further in hell. Of course, for that, the applicant first needs to expire but due to the rush it is better to book early. And only if you pass this test do you get a slot in the queue. All those who think they don't have a chance in hell to go to heaven are eligible and women are encouraged to apply.

You have one hour, cheating is allowed and beating up the invigilator during practicals will be a demonstration of eligibility.

1. Give us one good reason why you want to go to hell (tick one):
a. I think I'd feel at home down there
b. So I can continue doing what I was doing here
c. Because it's nice and toasty
d. All of the above

2 What is your profession here on Earth?
a Really really bad guy
b Professional hitman
c Professional defaulter
d Convicted criminal with skeletons in the cabinet

3 If people don't agree with you what would you do:
a Invite them home for a drink or two, or three
b Sock them in the nose and make them unconscious
c Declare them persona non grata
d Decorate them with the sixth-highest medal in the land