Insurgency-wracked landlocked kingdom in the lap of the Himalaya on verge of being declared a failed state has urgent vacancy for a tall, bright, homely, convent-educated teetotaler, fair-skinned vegetarian DV-eligible Primetime Minister to replace two incumbent vice chairpersons who are getting a bit long in the tooth.

Caste, age, disabilities, gender, marital status, eating habits, incontinence and incompetence no bar. The post-holders ideally should be 80 years old or above and have served multiple previous tenures as primed minister wherein they should have paid ample lip-service to democracy and exercised their freedom to indulge in wanton arson and stone-throwing, defying bans on demos in restricted areas and inciting communal riots.

They must also have a demonstrated ability to force closure of parliament for three months at a stretch and block off the entire country and parts thereof for a cumulative period of at least 36 days in any given year while in opposition during the late 1990s.

Candidate should be of sound mind and body, be in possession of all their faculties and at least one Pajero, have amassed ill-gotten wealth to an amount not less than Rs 50 million, must have partaken of kickbacks in at least one airliner lease and/or gold smuggling scam during the previous 14 years, have relatives who are on standby to immediately take up ministerial berths if asked to do so and in possession of a certificate attesting to exceptional fundraising capabilities signed by at least three referees belonging to the country's leading business houses.

Duties Include:
. Remembering without fail to dash off personal telegrams to prime ministers from Laos, Kyrgyzstan, Bolivia and other obscure fellow-landlocked countries on their national days to wish counterparts personal health and happiness and continued progress and prosperity to Laotians, Kyrgyzsis and Bolivianos and highlight the importance of bilateral relations with those countries.
. Build personal rapport with these leaders in order to garner international solidarity in support of regime tinkering at home.
. Participate in workshops and seminars in cities around the world and brief state media at length before departure and on arrival at Tribhuban Intermittent Airport.
. Take part in periodical ceremonies to award plaques to distinguished dentists and shields to victors in inter-services taekwondo tournaments.
. Have the stamina and endurance to keep awake during above proceedings and remain fully conscious while delivering speeches on the subject: 'The Importance of Martial Arts in Defending Multiparty Democracy and Constitutional Monarchy'.
. Must have strong family and clan ties in order to generate employment for near and dear ones in one's cabinet portfolio.
. Must have a collection of well-preserved skeletons in one's cabinet.

Experience Required:
. Should have amassed at least 10 years experience in ribbon-cutting, lamp lighting, shawl gifting and bouquet accepting with flair and aplomb.
. Must have dissolved parliament and refused to extend the tenure of local bodies and not held successive general elections.
. Must have a Masters in Horse-trading and a PhD in Sycophancy. Must have taken part in at least one major brawl in the august Lower House chambers.

Salary: Negotiable but has in-built perks, maternity allowance and adequate opportunities for candidate's poverty-alleviation and upward mobility.

Apply with full body profile showing abdominal contours to the West Gate before Dasain. Mark envelope: 'Has-been Wannabe'.

HMG is an equal opportunities employer. Everybody deserves a second chance.