A copy of the controversial daft media edict has just been leaked to us by a highly-placed government source. A quick perusal of the said document reveals that under its provisions everything that ever happens in this country will heretofore only be divulged on a need to know basis, meaning that if there is a need to know anything then you'll be told there is no need to know it. In other words, as they say in legal parlance, the law is a bitch. Having received this leaked manuscript and sworn to keep it secret, allow me in the national interest to go right ahead and reveal to all and sundry the contents of the said daft bill:

WHEREAS there exists a need to foster a culture of transparency and accountability in public authorities by giving effect to the right of freedom of information and thereby actively promote a society in which the people of Nepal have effective access to information to enable them to fully exercise and protect their right, the media is henceforth not to be referred to as a watchdog but a lapdog.

REAFFIRMING that such freedoms come with strings attached and even though the truth must be adhered to at all times, during extraordinary circumstances exceptions shall be made, such as when the truth is:
(a) Uncomfortable
(b) Embarrassing
(c) Actually what happened, or
(d) Affects the morals of uncivil servants

TAKING INTO ACCOUNT ALSO, that subject to provisions of Subsection (2) of Section 3 and Section 4 of the Constitution, every citizen shall have a right of access to official information from the state media, the aforementioned state media shall therefore cover all official functions in a prominent manner and repeat the entire proceedings without expunging any visuals panning across the audiences even if they (the audiences) are in an advanced state of unconsciousness. The clip shall be broadcast during three segments of the morning news:
(a) The Main Points of the News
(b) The News in Detail, and
(c) The Summary of the News

And the whole thing shall be repeated in its scintillating entirety in the evening news broadcast. Failure to do so will result in an immediate angry phone call from the official in question to the incumbent director of the state media, hereinafter referred to as 'The Mouth Organ'.

NOTWITHSTANDING the provisions of Subsection (2) the people's right to information shall not be curtailed on any of the grounds therein unless the disclosure is of the following categories:
(i) Concern national security, which means everything about politics, economics, culture, history, geography, biology, maths, environment, energy, development, aviation, communications, speeding celebrities on motorcycles, foreign relations, traffic violations by DSPs and protests by Maoists' victims
(ii) Jeopardise Nepal's friendly and fraternal relations with the world's fellow-pariah states
(iii) Freedom of thought is hereby banned, and anyone thinking subversive thoughts will be liable to persecution
(iv) The Reporter's Club shall henceforth be restricted to pure entertainment with Rishi Dhamala as the stand-up comedian
(v) Weather reports that predict delays in the monsoon since they may adversely affect national morale
(vi) Humour will be barely tolerated but satire is banned with immediate effect.