Now for something completely different. Many of us are reluctant to shed cosy illusions and want to go on pretending that everything is fine in this kingdom of ours. That is why we must use the window of opportunity before the new press ordinance becomes law to analyse important trends in male fashion and what that means for our democratic way of life.

Many of you must be wondering why, post-February First, kids think it is mandatory to wear trousers that look like they have been designed for people who don't have any buttocks. I haven't, just wondered if you had. Because preliminary inspection has shown what I suspected all along: it is because today's teenagers aren't endowed with the formidable backsides our generation was proud to call its own.

Ever since our Neanderthal ancestors started greeting each other with the phrase "How's it hanging, man?" human beings have been acutely aware of their various accessories and the need to keep them undercover. In those early days, men used whatever was lying around the cave: woolly mammoth bladder, antelope skin, or sabre-toothed tiger fur. And that was how the world of men's fashion was born. (Women were required by law not to wear anything to coverup.)

But even back then it was already clear that men's fashion was ephemeral. Early wildebeest hide dungarees, for instance, were tied with rope belts at the chest. But trousers have been drifting downwads ever since and by the early Elizabethan Era had arrived at the vicinity of the midriff. Today, if the latest fashion trends I have spotted in Thamel is any indication, baggy draw-string trousers must be tied just below the buns in a gravity-defying feat of brinkmanship. At this rate, by the year 2015 we can safely predict that boys' trousers will be at the level of the ankles and mankind will have come a full circle to our early cave-dwelling underwearless forebears.

But how can the ordinary man on the street keep track of latest fashion trends, especially if he doesn't have Fashion tv on cable? As a public service we present below a table with can-wear and can't-wear tips. Fine print: Readers are advised to exercise maximum caution since fashion trends can change suddenly and without warning making you look like a dork, management bears no legal liability for the consequences.
What's in
Thongs
Standard issue Singapore Police T-shirt
Extra-Lowrise half-mast pants
Stone-washed jeans with faded patch in vicinity of crotch
Baburam Bhattarai designer golf cap
Nipple ring
Rose-tinted glasses
Black bands for scribes

What's out
A-Front Underwears
Boob tubes with Brooke Shields or Che
Mini skirts (especially for men)
Stone-washed jeans with faded patch in vicinity of knee caps
}Navin K Bhattarai baseball cap
Nose ring
Ray Ban shades during parades
Red bandanas for pharisees