In case you hadn't noticed, may we draw your kind attention, in the spirit of the times, to the electrodes and sensors sticking out of the sides of my head. But, seriously, how do you explain the astounding fact that things left undone for 15 years have suddenly been completed in three weeks?

I am speaking, of course, about the garbage that has without warning been relocated from the sidewalks in the past weeks. Potholes have abruptly been turned into small mounds, streetlights are working again in the daytime, roadside tree-trunks are being painted even as we speak, and Loyal Nepal Airlines is taking off three days ahead of schedule just like the good old days.

Some questions immediately spring to mind: why couldn't all this have been accomplished in the 1990s? Why did we need to be threatened with corporal punishment to agree with everything? Did we really need to be wheeled off, sirens blaring, for an emergency lobotomy so street centerlines could be painted overnight? The answer to all three questions are: yes, yes and (guess what?) yes.
With 12 radio stations simultaneously beaming us music instead of chatter on the hour every hour, we have now become one of the most heavily entertained nation on earth. Music is literally coming out of our ears. That's not to say we're not being kept abreast of important happenings around the country. Important tidbits are still getting through Mr Scissorhands. For example, newspapers now carry op-eds by astrologers predicting that everything will turn out all right after 10 March. They must know something we don't.

I am confident that the current carrot-and-stick approach will soon allow us to locate the mool and futao it. And before long, we will have attained Asian standards and won't even know it. But no one is saying it's going to be easy: there is a huge backlog of competing demands that need to be addressed so the need of the hour is to itemise, prioritise and realise. So we will not tolerate any pussy-footing as we take on these jobs on a war-footing. Having canvassed the opinion of some friends and colleagues, here is our list of must-do items in reverse order of urgency:

1. All billboards to be taken down by Shivaratri, except the ones that exhort us in broad daylight to 'Go Get the Balls' and a booze ad that categorically states 'There Is Nothing As Satisfying As a Virgin'. These two have become important tourist attractions at Bagmati Bridge and should be left intact.
2. Speaking of the Bagmati, as the mercury climbs the aroma wafting up from the river is now a fine bouquet that reminds us of socks in an advanced stage of fermentation. We must leave the Bagmati alone because it drowns out other localised urban odours.
3. It is difficult to get out to Dhorpatan these days, so we should once and for all turn Koteswor Triangle into a wildlife sanctuary and declare it the Royal Tin Kune National Park. Chitwan rhinos can then be translocated right inside the Ring Road.
4. At the rate we are going, the municipality will soon run out of streets to span with overhead pedestrian crossings, so in response to popular demand from Thimi residents an overhead bridge will be built over the airport runway to make it easier for commuters.
5. The special commission could offer bribes to selected officials so they won't be corrupt anymore.