I don't know about you, but we've been getting sleepless nights about this Chinese expedition that is arriving here next month to determine if Mt Everest has indeed shrunk. On a matter as serious as this, the whole nation should be getting sleepless nights. Wake up, yes, you there in the driver's seat.

What if the Chinese discover that due to plate tectonics, the mountain has moved south and Tengboche is actually in Tibet? What if they find Mt Everest isn't the highest mountain in the world anymore? How can we hold our head high again among the community of nations? Imagine the ignominy and shame. What will all those proud owners of Mt Everest Restaurant and Bar (credo: 'Get High Here') , Everest Bank ('Our Interest Rates Are Highest'), Everest Hotel ('Nepal's top Hotel'), Everest Nursing Home ('Don\'t You Ever Rest?'), Everest Insurance ('Life Insurance for Mountaineers, Too'), Mt Everest Momo Shop ('Dumplings Without Oxygen'), Everest Corrugated Zinc Sheets ('The Roof of the World'), Everest Rubber Flipflops ('Be the First To Summit in Chappals'), Mt Everest Yarsagumba Capsules ('Size Matters') do? Somehow, K2 Momo Shop just doesn't have the same zing.

Sir Edmund Hillary will be in the horns of a dilemma: to return his knighthood or not. And imagine the promo brochures NTB has printed, we'll have to scrap them all and print new ones with the slogan: 'The Land of Everest, We Were Great Once'.

It is an unthinkable, nightmarish scenario. And what I want to know is why His Majesty's government had to be such a smart ass and grant the Chinese permission to make a discovery that would be potentially disastrous for our national morale. As if we didn't have enough problems already.

It is therefore in our national interest to safeguard our territorial integrity and vertical sovereignty to pre-empt this expedition and ensure that Qomalungma (which in Tibetan means 'Goddess Mother of the Earth') and Sagarmatha (which in Nepali means 'The Pointy One Behind the White One with the Flat Top That Is Third from Right If You Are Looking Counter-clockwise') remains the tallest one in the world.

There are several steps that Nepal's Bureau of Standards and Metrology can start taking right away if we can get them to wake up:

1. Every expedition climbing Mt Everest from this season onwards must ensure that team members who reach the top all carry at least 10 kg of rocks to deposit at the summit. At this rate, we can restore three metres to Mt Everest in just a few years.

2. All Cleanup Expeditions that used to bring the trash back from the South Col and dump it on the banks of the Bagmati at Balkhu, will henceforth be required to take it on to the summit and deposit it there instead. If this happens, my calculation is that by 2008, Mt Everest's altitude will have crossed 9,000 metres above sea level.

3. Tectonic plates are like a see-saw, you press one side down and the other side goes up. So, if we can move all 25 million Nepalis to the vicinity of Jaleswor, we can make the entire country tilt, thus pushing Mt Everest up considerably.

4. Bribe the Chinese Height Fixing Committee.