BY OUR ARMCHAIR ANAL-IST

Journalists must help in the process of nation-building by sticking to facts even if they are wrong, the Minister of Lies and Statistics opined yesterday at a ceremony to honour the country's ten most-imaginative columnists.
Gradually warming up to the subject, the magnanimous minister added that if the Fourth Estate reported truthfully on government statements they knew to be factually incorrect, they wouldn't have to pay taxes and all billboards in the country would be banned.

Without mincing words, the Minister said: "Correspondents must accurately report our lies so the reading public is not mislead." (That is what he factually said, I swear. -Editor) Later, the Minister distributed plaques, shawls and envelopes to fifth columnists whose writings in the past year have been found to contain the fewest number of verifiable facts. I'll show you my plaque if I can get this shawl off.

Nepal's corruption ranking improves
BY OUR UTTERLY CORRUPT CORRESPONDENT

For the first time since records started being kept, Nepal scored less than 3.0 points in the world corruption rankings, overtaking Azerbaijan, Angola and Transylvania in the 2004 Transparency International Coefficient.
"It is a matter of great national pride that we are now at par with the most-corrupt countries in the world, Haiti and Bangladesh," said the Director-General of the Department of Graft and Sleaze, "but this is no time for complacency, we must not rest on our laurels, we must be even more crooked because there are countries where malfeasance is spreading faster than here."

The DG said Nepal is on target to achieve a 2.5 Index in next year's survey. He added: "We are even prepared to bribe the folks at Transparency International in case we don't quite make it."

Tenth Condom Day observed

KATHMANDU-Underlining the need to correct prevailing ignorance among the general populace about regression, the four agitated parties took out a procession through the streets of the capital this week to mark International Condom Day.

Activists, social workers, teachers and daily-wage earners took part in the procession, carrying anti-regression banners, shouting pro-condom slogans and creating a monstrous traffic jam around Dharara. Said an agitator: "We are very happy with the turnout, it shows the political parties are totally against general erections at the present time."

In other news:
India-Pakistan War breaks out
BY OUR UNDIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENT

India and Pakistan are going to war for the fourth time after independence after a mix-up over a tea party invitation in the landlocked Himalayan Kingdom of Nepal escalated into a full-scale nuclear conflagration.

"They didn't invite us for tea, so we had no option but to fire an incontinental ballistic missive on our front page," said a visibly-peeved editor from the frontlines. He added: "We didn't want to be petty, but thought what the heck, since we are in neutral territory we might as well."

As the nuke-tipped pettiness escalated, it threatened to derail Indo-Pak rapprochement, and the leaders of the two countries once more refused to shake hands in public.