We'd like to welcome our viewers back to this specially exaggerated edition of EmpTV's 25-hour-a-day Breakneck News. Let's now go live to Kathmandu where our parachute correspondent, the one-and-only Khubsurat Dutt, is standing by in the relative safety of the newly-opened J Bar in Thamel with the very latest. Khubsurat, let me ask you first, are you OK? Do you have enough nibbles? Shall we airdrop you some dalmot by DHL?
"Kasto bekuf raichha, Hindi ma po bolchha, hoina bhanya, wrong number kya."
Sorry about that, we will try to track down Khubsurat dead or alive in the Nepal capital in the course of the day. The last we heard, she had a late night at the casino and has gone sightseeing to Bhaktapur with her dad, Pappu, mom, Ammi, hubby, Aniruddha, and sister, Mumtaz, who have all taken the perilous journey to the besieged Nepali capital. Brave people.
As Khubsurat told us yesterday: "When will I get a chance to see Kathmandu with my whole family?" And that sums up the selfless professionalism and remarkable nonchalance of this intrepid correspondent who has walked into the jaws of death with such unconcern for the safety of herself and her near and dear ones.
As I said, we will be trying to track Khubsurat down later in this news bulletin, that is unless she has switched off her mobile and is swimming at the Hack & Yeti, or shopping at Dalbhat Bhateni.
And now, to give you an idea of just how bad things are in Kathmandu let me read you some news reports from this morning's Nepalese newspapers:
Nepal Goes To India
Kathmandu-UML General Secretary Madhab Kumar Nepal has joined counterparts from other parties to pay a visit to New Delhi. Speaking to reporters before departure, Nepal said the trip was to take a stock on things and stock up on provisions. "You never know how long the blockade is going to last, so it is best to be prepared," he told scribes at the Triumverate International Airport.
India Comes To Nepal
New Delhi-India has warned in no uncertain terms that if the situation in Kathmandu continues to deteriorate it may have to send reinforcements by paradropping more correspondents into the Nepalese capital.
"We won't take no for an answer," National Security Adviser J N Dixit told a close-door meeting, and promptly leaked his remarks to the press as soon as it was over.
"The people in Nepal need help, and it is our duty to undertake a fullscale media bombardment so they can carry on with their normal lives."
Girija Not In India
Chandranighapur-NC Supremo Girija Koirala isn't in India, according to sources close to him. This has lead to wild speculation that the octogenarian leader is in the pink of health.
Addressing a press meet in this dacoit-infested town, Koirala said yesterday regression would not be truly over until the king nominated him prime minister. "I will go down fighting, and I'll take the country down with me," he said amidst applause from delighted dacoits and other VIPs in the audience.
Also speaking on the occasion, a leading human rights activist denied there were informal talks going on with the Maoists. "How can there be secret talks when I haven't been asked to facilitate them?" he asked no one in particular.
Army Announces Top Secret Offensive
Nepalganj-The Western Division Headquarters today announced a top secret invasion of Maoist strongholds in Binayak in Achham beginning 0700 hours on Friday morning.
"This is a surprise attack, and we hope to catch the rebels completely unawares," the army spokesman told a packed press conference here.
As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, things in Nepal are in a state of flux. I'm told we are trying once more to contact our Star Reporter, Khubsurat in Kathmandu. Khubsurat, can you hear me? Hello.hello
"Sorry, network busy. Please try again next year."
